In the face of darkness, we rarely ever feel that there is anything that can pull us back. We feel as if our lives have ended. As if the stress has become too much. As life in itself has become too much. As if we can’t handle anymore.
We shut down. We hide from the world. We turn off our humanity. We flip the so-called switch and pretend like we don’t feel anything because we are too afraid to. We are too afraid to open up. Too afraid to let people in. And most certainly too afraid to show that we care.
For a while, we think it works. We think that we have figured out how to not be who we essentially are. Let me tell you a secret. Your humanity can never be switched off.
It’s in the way we look. It’s in the way we talk. It’s even in the way we move. As much as we try to hide our emotions, we can’t. It’s not possible. If you believe you can, you’re only fooling yourself. I’ll admit that some people are better at it than others. That some people have pretty amazing poker faces. But I can assure you that if someone looks closely enough they can see right through the façade.
The photographs I have taken over the course of this past week are all pictures that represent this idea. The first is of my grandfather. It was taken last Sunday evening. As cliché as it sounds, my cousins and I were gathered in my grandparents’ backyard telling stories and getting ready to roast some marshmallows. In the picture, you can see my grandfather standing beside his rusty old fire pit stoking the very small flame. At first glance, he looks happy. Even though his head is cast downwards you can see the hint of a smile on his face. If you look closer or if perhaps you stare at the picture for a little while, you can see the effects of age on him. You can see how living the life of an immigrant has impacted him. You can see how even though he’s smiling, his eyebrows are furrowed in a way that expresses some worry. Worry about the fire, perhaps. But it’s more likely that his worries are centered around the fact that while he is relatively healthy, at the age of 77 he doesn’t know how many moments like this he will get with his wife and grandkids.
Next, is a photo of my friend Marie. It was taken on Monday night, as we waited in the Macaulay building for a book club event to begin. The reading room was relatively empty and we were just joking around and having a good time. She is smiling and gazing intently at the books, but underneath all of that, she, just like I am, and just like most of us are, is incredibly stressed out by college. We are having a good time but in the back of her mind is the assignment she has to get done by the next morning.
The third photograph in this collection is of my sister Christina. It was taken on Tuesday night, when we decided that milkshakes were necessary for our survival. I took this shot without her knowing. We were in the middle of a conversation about her school day, when she stopped to take a sip of her black forest milkshake. Notice how she’s not only looking down but also using her hand to hold back her hair. It seems like she’s doing it in an almost delicate way. Like even though she’s happy in this moment, something from the past, maybe something from even earlier in the day, is making her cautious. Maybe it’s because I know my sister, and I know that on a normal day she would have scarfed down that milkshake without so much as a care about her hair. Or maybe it’s because after looking at any photograph long enough, anyone, even a stranger, can gain a sense of understanding on the subject.
Next, is a photograph of my cousin, Anthony. He’s a combination of a brother and a best friend to me. I took this photograph on Wednesday when we meet up for coffee. As you can probably tell, he posed for it. He wanted me to take the perfect off-guard shot. What my iPhone camera actually captured however was someone trying too hard. Someone who wants to look good because he really values what other people think of him. There’s nothing wrong with that. Most of us have been there.
My next photograph is of my best friend, Jess. It was taken in the food court of Queens Center Mall, where we met up for Chipotle after classes on Thursday. I took this shot of her because I thought in that moment she looked kind of happy. Reflecting on the photograph now, I see that while there is a smile on her face, the bags under her eyes represent something else entirely. They represent a restless night – something one often experiences when stressed or sad.
The sixth photograph is of my friend Rachel. She is quite frankly one of the most honest and truthful people I know. This photograph was taken on Friday, when we went shopping. In the picture, she is smiling so widely. She has the most gleeful look on her face. In actuality, if you stared at this picture for a while, you would realize she’s sad. It’s not the most obvious thing in the world I’ll admit. But if you look closely you’ll see how forced her smile is. How even though she looks like she’s enjoying herself, she’s just tired of the world around her.
The last photograph is of Andy, another cousin of mine. I took this photograph when he came over to visit me last night. He just returned home from army basic training. In this photograph, he is catching up on his friend’s social media posts. We’re sitting and chatting when I decide to take this picture. At the exact moment, my finger hits the button his expression changes from relaxed to what can be best described as a suppressed laugh. In his cheeks, you can see the desire to let it out, but in his eyes, you can see the discipline telling him to hold it in. It’s as if he is having an internal battle.
Collectively, my photographs represent that our humanity – our true emotions – always shine through. That as hard as one may try, real emotions are nearly impossible to conceal. I had hoped that by expressing this idea I could let people know that they are not alone. That they aren’t the only ones who put on fake smiles from time to time. That they aren’t the only ones who are hiding.
