It is never difficult to ask about my family’s past. Three out of four of my grandparents are eager to share their stories, while one has to dig a little deeper to retrieve anything from my grandmother, Mei Yu. Clouded by dementia and depression, she suffers from short term memory loss and is more reserved, but she can still recall vivid memories from many years ago. And, when retelling her stories from her childhood, she often cries about it.
My grandmother was born in Toisan, China. Her father came from a wealthy family because my great great great grandfather went to America to help build the railroad. However, my great grandparents were addicted to gambling and lost majority of their money. Since money was tight especially during the Cultural Revolution my great grandmother was forced to sell all of her daughters as slaves to earn money since she no longer had any sons – one had died during the Japanese invasion in World War 2, and the two other sons had died only a few days after being born. My grandmother tells me with what seems to be a forced chuckle, “After one day, I couldn’t handle being a slave. . . . I was scared and didn’t want to be away from my family. . . I ran back home and my mom didn’t have the heart to sell me again. I was only 13 years old.” “Thankfully the family who owned me for a day was merciful enough to let me leave.”
At 24 years old, my grandmother was considered too old to be someone’s bride. Therefore, an arranged marriage was prepared and she went to Macau to meet her future husband, a man thirteen years her senior, for the first time. When she finally met him when she disembarked from her boat, they never spoke a word and my grandfather took her hand to get registered to be married.
The newly wed couple then left Macau to Kowloon Walled City, Hong Kong where my mother and her four siblings grew up. At home, there were no running water, any toilets, or light. She had to take different jobs mainly in a factory.
“It was a difficult life in Hong Kong. I didn’t have my own mother to help take care of the kids. My husband – your grandfather– was sick so he was in the hospital a lot. The good thing was that no one really bothered each other. Everyone was really poor. But there were also drug addicts and prostitutes”.
Picture of a random girl – not related to me. My mother and her siblings used to play on a rooftop like this.
One day, my grandfather was sponsored by his brother for the whole family to come to the States. He then came to America by himself first to find a job and a new home. A year and half later, my grandmother and her five children followed him. This was in the 70s. Coming to America was a huge culture shock. Everything was so modern to my grandmother when she first saw her new apartment on Orchard Street, Lower East Side as she and her children had never seen a toilet, fridge, running water, cooking oil, lights, bathtub, etc.
My grandmother still had young children so she mainly worked from home doing odd jobs. She would wrap candies, bead jewelry, and after learning how to sew herself, would sew some pieces of clothing. When the kids grew older, she put the kids in school and went to work in a factory. Her husband had to feed seven mouths so he took jobs out of New York State to earn a little bit money. He only came home once a week so my grandmother basically had to raise the kids herself. She was the first line of discipline for my mother and her siblings, and she did not tolerate any whining, talking back, or complaining for she was basically alone and didn’t have husband to help her out. She tells me she wished he were home more often, but she was grateful that he worked so hard cooking in kitchens to earn money for the family.
Many Chinese don’t like to verbally express their affection or love for their families, so they show it in other ways. My grandmother showed her love through her food – to her grandkids and her own children. She had a traumatic experience throughout the cultural revolution when she was often hungry every day. This created a fear of her allowing her children to starve. So, she always made sure her children were fed; for example, every morning she made a hot breakfast.
“I didn’t have money to buy new clothing for my children, but I always made sure I had money to feed them because I did not want them to starve as I did.”
Part of becoming fully integrated into America is becoming a citizen. My grandmother only had a third grade education and did not have the time to learn English, but she would study and listen to tapes every day to pass the citizenship test until she knew all of the answers. However, on the day of the interview, my grandmother became nervous and failed. Her husband passed the test and he and all of their children became citizens before she did. Ashamed, my grandmother cried because everyone else became citizens and she was afraid that she would be kicked out and sent back to Hong Kong. She kept studying though and a year later, she passed the test.
My grandmother did make several friends from the Chinese community who helped her find work, schools for her kids, and markets for food. However, she still felt alone because she didn’t have her own family with her. This all changed when she saved enough money and sponsored her sister to come visit her in America. However, one month before she came to America, the sister fell off a bus and was run over. My grandmother cried for a whole week. Then, she sponsored her own mother – who she hasn’t seen in twenty-five years – to come to America. Her own mother – like many others – was disappointed and disillusioned. She couldn’t believe that the family was living in a tenement building. My great grandmother then went back to China a month or two later. Determined to have some family with her, my grandmother then sponsored her adopted brother and his wife and three kids to come. When the whole family arrived, they moved to Brooklyn and didn’t want anything to do with her.
Lower East Side block where my grandparents live.
Like many others, my grandmother wanted to immigrate to America as she thought the place was full of gold. Although she found out that she had to work hard, she still had a better life. America was better than Hong Kong because of better living standards and a better quality of life. And, although my grandmother worked many odd jobs to earn some money, she was too proud to receive any assistance from the government. She has never taken any social services, food stamps, or Medicaid.
“Why should I take help from the government when I can work? I rather work 3 jobs than take a handout from the government.”
At fifty years old, my grandmother had a stroke and had to stop working completely. She was paralyzed and spoke with a slur. Now, presently, my grandmother has somewhat recovered and is fully retired. She watches television, rambles around Chinatown, looks out the window like a cat, or sits around and waits until one of her kids come to visit her or take her to a casino. As for going back to her home, she has returned to Hong Kong three times, and to China two times. She misses China a lot.
My grandmother is a strong woman who has persevered through a lot of rejection, loneliness, and hardship. She personally feels that she has a tragic life. She isn’t bitter; just depressed. My grandmother does tell me that her achievements are her grandchildren – seven girls and one boy. She has no favorite – a good thing in my opinion – and she is always happy when her children and grandchildren visit. However, there has always been that heavy weight she carries around with her and it’s very difficult to see a woman who has such sadness hidden and tucked away. There are many immigrants who do not want to tell their stories as they are too painful for them. I am very grateful to have heard her story, and her feelings, which has made me appreciate all the more what she has been through and has done for our family.
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