Eighteen years ago, Kyung Ok sat down on an airplane with her sons and mentally prepared for her new life in America. She had been told to pack her favorite clothes, pictures of her relatives, and whatever materials she needed to care for us. As the plane jumpily lifted off the airstrip, she wiped away tears that had formed in her eyes. She had a strange feeling that she wouldn’t be coming back to her beloved nation anytime soon.
And she was right.
My mother and I enjoy our last few days within Seoul, South Korea.
Kyung Ok, my mother, grew up after the Korean War. The split nations of North and South Korea had been decimated from war and were struggling to recover their economies. During that time, my mother lived in Seoul with her parents and five sisters. In order to sustain her large family, Kyung Ok’s mother (my grandmother) worked daily to create and sell rice noodles. Kyung Ok’s father (my late grandfather) had been a factory worker until he was laid off due to an illness that disabled him from working, most likely cancer.
Despite their economic status and family concerns, Kyung Ok and her sisters found themselves in a period of rapid economic expansion fueled by Park Chung-Hee’s Five Year Economic Plan. The plan told South Koreans to follow the model of West Germany and to expand their education in science and become a developed nation in certain sectors. Chaebols (family-owned conglomerates) quickly arose and created companies like Samsung and Hyundai that still dominate the global markets today. While telling me this, my mother gave a sense of pride in her nation’s history and development.
While many South Korean families found wealth within this time of growth, my mother’s household still suffered in poverty. As a poor student, she was unable to afford schooling and was often ridiculed by other students for her lack of tuition payments. Without proper educational materials, my mother was frowned upon even by her teachers and mentors at the time. In order to receive her college education, my mother patiently waited for her sisters to graduate and provide the tuition necessary to attend schooling. Instead of working towards their own aspirations, the sisters placed their family above all else. They raised money by providing private lessons, running errands, and doing chores in order for my mother to graduate college.
Husband and wife take a trip during a Korean winter.
Family came first in their minds and that mentality had remained in my mother’s. After my mother graduated from her college, she was able to work as a hematologist before giving birth to my brother and me. A year after my birth, she was called to the United States by her husband who had gone years before her seeking economic opportunity. My mother hated the idea of leaving her relatives and her job for the United States, but like her sisters, she placed family above all else.
Another reason for immigrating to the United States was because my mother feared the competitive landscape of South Korea. The small nation had an even smaller list of colleges to attend. Only three colleges were deemed as Ivy League level institutions. SKY, an acronym short for Seoul, Korea, and Yonsei Universities, was the Korean version of the Ivy League. My mother stated that it would have been near impossible for my brother and I to enter into these universities without the usage of hagwons, expensive tutoring centers for children. Without economic stability, my mother decided it was best to trust in the American colleges and she expressed that she was approving of the outcomes.
I asked about my mother’s experience within the United States. Although my mother had lived in the United States for almost two decades, she still enjoyed her experience in South Korea more. She told me that her experiences here had left her disappointed in the United States despite her respect for the country before her immigration.
She told me,
“Everyone in Seoul loved the Americans because they helped us during the war and after. They were our protectors during our time of need. I guess that’s why the stories about the United States were so extraordinary. They told me that New York City was a metropolis unlike any we had in South Korea but the stories were exaggerated.”
At this point, I asked her to clarify on her beliefs. My mother frowned and took a sip from her coffee. After she placed her mug down, she spoke,
“New York City is dirty and dangerous compared to the cities in South Korea. You and your brother have great opportunities for success here but there are too many people you cannot trust or work with.”
She went on to state that her main concerns in the United States had been her neighbors and customers. Having worked or lived in Brooklyn neighborhoods with higher crime-rates such as Sheepshead Bay and Sunset Park, my mother told me that she found her neighbors and customers to be untrustworthy and stressful at times. She assured me that she wouldn’t have had the same feelings of her neighbors in Korea. When asked about whether it was a language problem, my mother told me that her broken English only slightly caused the discomfort.
She stated that she had been disappointed about the safety of living within the United States as well. Disturbed by the September 11 attacks on the World Trade Centers, my mother had almost brought the family back to South Korea. She had been concerned over New York City’s importance in the United States and she was terrified for her family’s health after the terrorist attack.
The first day in the United States was a joyful experience for my mother but became disappointing later.
I asked her why she didn’t take the family back to South Korea at that time. My mother answered that airplanes were deemed as unsafe at the time after the hijackings and that their economic situation didn’t allow them to return. Besides that, my mother made it clear that my father and her had decided to remain for our education and career opportunities. “We (father and mother) still thought it was the best opportunity for your future”, my mother stated.
Kyung Ok wanted to give my brother and I opportunities that she never had in South Korea, a so-called investment of talent and intelligence. She reminded me of my numerous violin lessons that she paid for and the many hours she placed into teaching my brother and I arithmetic. She told me of how ecstatic she had been when she realized that her sacrifices in coming here had landed both of her sons into one of the top high schools in New York City. In that moment my mother had thought that she had profited from her investment into her sons’ futures. She believed that she had reaped the rewards from putting her family first.
My father and mother hold my older brother on top of a mountain while exploring the United States.
I decided to move away from her life in America and go back to her background as an immigrant. I began by asking my mother why my grandmother did not come with her to live in the United States. She replied back that her mother was too loyal to her own country. She also reminded me that my grandmother had the opportunity to be taken care of by four siblings (one of my mother’s sisters had moved to Canada but the rest had stayed in South Korea). After pondering for a bit longer, my mother also explained how there was no convincing reason for my grandmother to arrive in the Western world. While my mother and father had come to the United States for a better environment for their children to age in, my mother argued that my grandmother had little reason to travel outside of her family’s vicinity.
Trying my best to translate my questions into Korean, I asked about her identification in the United States. “Did you like your community? Where would you have liked to lived? Why do you think that?” The answers came as rapidly as the questions did. She never enjoyed the neighborhoods that our family resided in. Once again she blamed the higher crime rates and the growing immigrant populations that she did not fit into. She went on to describe her experience living in Sunset Park, characterizing its populated streets and troublesome neighbors. She told me that the people of Sunset Park aggravatingly mistaken her as a Chinese individual. She hated being called a china by the Hispanics and being spoken to in Chinese by the Chinese. She dramatically explained annoyances that she endured in order for my brother and I to succeed. She told me that she hoped to live in a Korean neighborhood in the future.
“Why didn’t we live in a Korean neighborhood?”, I asked. My mother replied that it would have strained the distance between my father’s workplace and home. She added that she didn’t want the competitiveness of other South Korean families to become prevalent in her life.
“Having healthy sons who succeeded in school satisfied me. And I’d rather sacrifice having good neighbors for a chance at financial stability. “
Our discussion ended when she received a call from my father. He asked if she could manage the store briefly and she obliged. My mother finished her coffee and reminded me that her struggles were not in vain.
“If you haven’t learned anything from my story, just know that family comes first.”‘
The family enjoys their day in South Korea, two years before the immigration to the United States.
As my mother left our household, I gathered my notes and pondered about her story. It was an amazing feeling to know that my life has revolved around the sacrifices of my parents. Leaving her relatives and stable job in order to support her husband and offer opportunities to her sons, my mother makes an example of what it means to prioritize family. While she may have taught me many lessons prior to our interview, I think I’ll remember this lesson the most: Family above all else.
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