Me, On Being Single.

“What is the difference between solitude and loneliness?” I asked my friend Hayley, catching her off guard. “Umm, you choose solitude?” She answered in the form of a question. It was spring and the two forms of singularity had been on my mind since my four-hour bus ride from New York City back home to DC. To me, loneliness implied pain, and solitude; peace. I wasn’t sure of a concrete conclusion yet, however, and I wanted another’s input. Her answer threw me for a loop, as I’m sure my question had done to her.

I have always been a very independent person with both parents working full time basically since I was born. Growing up, I have known loneliness. I was a sensitive child, but I became somewhat calloused as I grew older, accepting the separation between my parents and me. Instead of being a loner though, I busied myself with friendships, school, clubs, church, and swimming. When I was at my house, however, I usually retreated into my bedroom, which was my art studio, concert hall, office, and sanctuary. Still, being locked up in my “sanctuary” sometimes felt like hell when my parents forced me to stay home.

In New York City, I had been looking at Baruch College, knowing that it was fated to be my future destination. I booked a room at the YMCA in the city for a night, keeping in mind that I would most likely be housing there during my first fall semester. The peace of the single room was elusively comforting. I was looking forward so much to rooming in a single, my own place. After getting accepted to the Macaulay Honors College, my dad put up a down payment for a single room for me at the Y.

Starting college was a big transition and the hardest part ended up to be living by myself. No matter how cozy I make my room, I get antsy being in it alone for too long. The homework placed in front of me adds to my desire to find places to go and people to talk to. I love walking the halls to talk to floor mates and finding people outside to socialize with is a comfort. I get a thrill from hanging out with others. I have come to realize that having a roommate would probably suit me better than living alone because the company of others is uplifting. Also, the peace I first felt during my early escapes from my home is now a rare occurrence. The change of scenery and the influx of new people to befriend have changed my opinion of living alone. When my loneliness was out of my control back home with my parents, I used to be miserable, but now, choosing to live alone hasn’t brought the immense solitude I initially desired. The fine line between solitude and loneliness still eludes me, but self-reflection helps me to understand that “needing others” isn’t as much of a weakness as it is strength to be able to enjoy the company of others.