Judging others is human nature, but when it comes to analyzing oneself, it becomes a mission that is nearly impossible. Everyone has a crazy side, a serious side, a funny side, and a side that no one can describe. As Ambrose Bierce once said, “All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.” With every action I take, my aim is to become one of these so-called philosophers. As I lay in bed most nights, I reflect on the day that has passed, what I did, what I could have accomplished, and what I would have done differently. There are of course many moments that I would want to take back, or hit myself for saying something stupid. But isn’t that what makes us all human?
This constant self-analysis is at some points very helpful because it helps me evaluate myself, along with my interactions with different people. I know what I have done wrong, how to remedy it, and what not to do ever again. Then again, this self-analysis also drives me crazy. There are moments when I don’t understand why something I did was wrong, or why others perceived it as so.
Speaking of moments after which I want to hit myself, one of them occurred right after Baruch convocation. I was walking with my friends after the ceremony, and we were discussing what we were planning to do later that night. “I’m just going to try and get some rest,” I remember saying. My friends were all planning on going exploring that night. It didn’t seem like there would be any argument, but for some reason when they all tried to force me to go exploring with them repeatedly, I got very annoyed. Some heated words were exchanged, and we all walked away in anger. As soon as I walked back to my dorm, I realized that I had over reacted. Disappointed with myself, I decided to give my friends a surprise and met up with them near Times Square. I had to put my pride aside, but after thinking and just trying to remember where exactly the conversation had gone sour, I realized I was wrong. I should not have yelled just because they were trying to convince me to hang out, but instead maybe I could have tried a little harder to explain how tired I was. We’ve all lost our temper at one point or another, and this was one of those times it was clearly not justified. Even though I was wrong, coming to that realization and knowing how to remedy it was satisfying in an interesting way.
It’s not that what others think about me runs my life, it’s just that I cannot help but always think about was to “improve” myself as a more genuine person. Personally, I believe that people aren’t true to themselves, which in turn causes them to not be as true to others around them. This is due to the scrutiny that society places on everyone. Everyone needs to have some people who they can go to without the constant fear of being judged or gossiped about. Even more important, however, is that people need to be more true to themselves, and self evaluate in order to discover what truly makes them feel comfortable and drives them.
Without truly knowing what you stand for, it is impossible to, as the Dove commercials so wisely put it; “feel comfortable in your own skin.” This is what I strive for, to be comfortable with my own personality, my own likes, dislikes, and opinions. “Fitting in” with certain societies is difficult enough, but having self- knowledge gives you the motivation and confidence to deal with others, and gain respect.
I know this may sound like a lot of philosophical mumbo jumbo, but this mindset is truly what I try to live my life by. I strive to gather knowledge, not only of the outside world, but also of my own mind.
As I look at myself instead of the rest of the world for a moment, I see many traits, such as someone who tries to be friendly, has corny humor, and can get on peoples’ nerves rather quickly. But one trait that stands out to me in this mirror of self-evaluation is my ability to know who I am. I can proudly say I am someone who knows what he wants (loyal friends, to be a genuine person, and to understand the true meaning of a successful life), but is still in the process of figuring out how to achieve those things. When I do an about face, I don’t see anything that is perfect, but I don’t see anything that is too shabby either.
Credit: http://matchstickmovement.files.wordpress.com/2008/01/cartoon-in-mirror.jpg
