On Writing The Dissertation Prospectus, Or Coming To Terms With Time
January 16, 2010
I had hoped that, having gone through this process, I would be able to reflect upon it, and offer up some nuggets of wisdom, some insights which explain how one is supposed to summarize a nonexistent monograph.
I find, however, that I cannot adequately explain how I did what I did, or generalize beyond my own experiences.
My prospectus took ages to create. Fourteen or fifteen months, if you want to get technical about it. During that time, I wasn’t able to read. No joke–it was like being unable to see or hear. I couldn’t process the written word. In that respect, it was the single strangest year of my life. I angsted to my SO about this over e-mail, but other than that, I didn’t try to explain just how much difficulty I was having. It was embarrassing, and it made me doubt my own intellectual capacity (major points to said SO for always telling me how smart I was, whenever I started to fret, and for sending tempting science fiction novels in the hopes of awakening my dormant skills).
Last spring, I received some grant money from the Graduate Center and took myself to three different campuses for archival research. I spent a week at UCONN, and a couple of days at Texas and at UCSD. These were valuable days, each and every one. I attacked the archive with fervor–months of pent-up anxiety finally finding a moment of release. And I assumed that when I got back to New York, I’d churn out a prospectus in no time at all–that I’d be approved and ready to go by the beginning of the summer of 2009.
That did not happen.
When I got back from my research trips, I found myself back in my same old stagnant situation, with the same old problems. There was a lot of other stuff happening in my life. I felt like I was forever on the verge of change, but never quite got there. I still couldn’t read. It was deeply frustrating.
I took a deep breath and I waited.
What I learned in writing my prospectus is this:
1. Change will come.
2. Be patient.
Over the course of the summer, my life got better. My living situation underwent some positive changes. I became an aunt. My SO somehow became even more awesome. And at the end of August, spurred on by a long-time mentor, I wrote a prospectus draft.
And then a second draft.
And then a third.
And by the time I even showed it to my director, it was a fifth draft, but that was okay, because it was a true thing. I had articulated something that deeply mattered to me. Inexpert, incomplete–but it was mine.
I had not previously realized just how much that mattered.
So. Now it is January. There is a committee. There is a completed prospectus. And while it is at a lesser volume than before, I do seem able to read again. (Thanks to the SO for hanging in there.) But I find myself twitching, twitching, twitching over writing–constantly asking myself if I know enough yet, if I’m ready to set words to paper.
I have set up a deadline with my outside reader for delivery of my first chapter. That’s the best I can do.
Change will come.
(Words will come.)
Do your work.
Be patient.
Entry Filed under: Dissertation. Posted in Dissertation .
