by Cassandra Price
Characters:
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, famed English writer and poet
HESTER PRYNNE of The Scarlet Letter
JULIET CAPULET of Romeo and Juliet
LADY MACBETH of Macbeth
ELIZABETH BENNET of Pride and Prejudice
JOCASTA of Oedipus
Lights up on William Shakespeare with all of the other characters in various spots of Elizabeth’s living room. It appears to be a dinner party of sorts. Shakespeare addresses the audience.
SHAKESPEARE
On the last episode of The Real Housewives of Literature, we met our ladies for the first time as they all entered the estate. Let’s hear a quick recap of their introductions.
HESTER
I’m Hester Prynne. I’m so fabulous that I can even make a minister sin. A for adultery? No, no, no my friends, try A for AWESOME.
JULIET
I’m Juliet Capulet, and with me, Romeo doesn’t need death to make him moan.
LADY MACBETH
I’m Lady McBiscuit. Male Dominance in our society? Bitch please, we got female dominance too, and I know how to make my man do things.
ELIZABETH
I’m Elizabeth Bennet, and I just want Mr. Darcy!
JOCASTA
I’m Jocasta! I kind of…sort of…married my son. Don’t judge me.
SHAKESPEARE
And I’m William Shakespeare, and while it is commonly mistaken, no, I did not write Oedipus. That was my dear friend Sophocles. Anyways, on today’s episode Elizabeth Bennet is hosting a dinner party as a way for the ladies to “bond”. This should be interesting…
Lights up on the dinner party. Everyone is scattered in various positions and having rude side conversations as Elizabeth is having an introductory monologue.
ELIZABETH
First off, I’d just like to say thank you all for coming… [continues talking freely]
HESTER
Well, this should be a fun evening, huh Juliet?
JULIET
I don’t know, I’m just here because I heard there was free food!
HESTER
I don’t know either, I just needed a night out away from that demon.
JULIET
Oh, your mother-in-law? Trust me, I know the feeling.
HESTER
No, my kid Pearl. One second she’s so innocent and the next she’s crazy! I finally got a babysitter, do you know how hard it is to get one for that devil child?
JULIET
Nope. My womb is still unexplored.
HESTER
Honey, you’re not missing much.
The focus flashes back to Elizabeth who is still rambling on and on. The only thing we catch glimpses of is her saying “And so Mr. Darcy and I…”
LADY MACBETH
So, is it me, or is all she talk about Mr. Darcy? You know, not all of us have a perfect marriage!
JOCASTA
Ain’t it the truth! Now, what the fornication under consent of the King do you want?
Lady Macbeth walks away, offended.
JOCASTA
Wow, rude! What the hell is her problem?
SHAKESPEARE
Perhaps you should try being a little less aggressive.
JOCASTA
What do you know? You didn’t write my life!
SHAKESPEARE
Yes, thank you! Someone finally gets it!
ELIZABETH
[Gains focus again] So I guess what I’m trying to say is thank you all for coming. Mr. Darcy and I really appreciate it.
LADY MACBETH
SCREW MR. DARCY!
ELIZABETH
[Naïvely] What exactly do you think I’m doing tonight?
Awkward silence ensues as everyone, shocked, makes their way to the table.
ELIZABETH
Well, alright everyone, enjoy!
JULIET
Finally! I have to be at the apothecary in an hour!
SHAKESPEARE
What are you in such a rush for?
JULIET
I want to consummate my marriage already!
SHAKESPEARE
Calm down! We’re not up to that point in the story yet!
HESTER
You don’t always have to be married to do that, ya know. This one time…
JOCASTA
Honey, we all know. We can see the A.
HESTER
[Sarcastically] Really? I thought it wasn’t noticeable.
JOCASTA
In what world is that not noticeable?!
Meanwhile, Lady Macbeth is sitting scrubbing her hand.
JOCASTA
Why are you doing that? I’m sure they’re clean.
JULIET
Yeah, we’re just eating dinner, you hypochondriatic freak!!
LADY MACBETH
Do you not see this spot on my hand? Out damned spot! Does ANYBODY have a strong hand sanitizer?
ELIZABETH
[As if having an epiphany] [to Shakespeare] You know, Mr. Darcy read Oedipus and he said it was spectacular! You should be proud of yourself!
SHAKESPEARE
I did NOT write Oedipus!
ELIZABETH
Oh, well then what did you write?
SHAKESPEARE
I don’t know, Much Ado About Nothing?
ELIZABETH
I figured as much, since I’ve never heard of you.
Shakespeare leaves for the ‘confessional’ room.
LADY MACBETH
Finally, that control freak actually left.
JULIET
I know! It’s like he’s writing my life or something!
LADY MACBETH
He does that to you too? I thought I was the only one he was obsessed with.
JULIET
Sweetie, don’t flatter yourself…
Shakespeare’s confessional:
SHAKESPEARE
First the Queen takes credit for my work, then my friends, and now when I finally get my name out there they think I wrote Oedipus! And now Sophocles is mad at me of course…damn, these women are ruining my life!
Shakespeare returns.
HESTER
Okay, so can we just talk about why I have this A in the first place? [The crowd groans as if this is the 1000th time she has told this story] My loser husband never came to America with me! And he just expected me to live here for 2 whole years by myself? A girl has needs. I can’t help it if I hooked up with the minister. Roger always wanted me to be more religious…looks like he got what he wanted.
JOCASTA
Well, why don’t you just get on the table and exclaim it to the whole world?
HESTER
Is that a scaffolding reference? Come on, I’m sensitive to that.
JOCASTA
Oh calm down! I got marriage problems of my own, you know. You’re not the only one.
LADY MACBETH
Oh yeah, like what?
JOCASTA
For starters, I married my son! Tell me, what kind of woman marries her son?
ELIZABETH
You…?
JOCASTA
Don’t remind me!
Jocasta continues on improvisational rant while Elizabeth heads toward the confession room, visibly upset.
ELIZABETH
I don’t understand. I just wanted to have a nice dinner that Mr. Darcy paid for! And they all come and start complaining about their husbands. Do they not know how lucky they are? Marriage is sacred! [Leaves]
Jocasta continues her speech while the others listen. Tensions ensue.
LADY MACBETH
That’s still no excuse to marry your son!
JULIET
What do you know about a healthy marriage? You completely control your husband. Now, Romeo and I on the other hand…
LADY MACBETH
Oh shut up, Miss Overdramatic Star Crossed Lover.
JULIET
[Sigh] Romeo, where for art thou Romeo? These bitches are crazy..
SHAKESPEARE
Can you ladies please stop fighting! We have more pressing matters to attend to! Can anyone think of a word that rhymes with “orange” for my new sonnet?
HESTER
Go ask Sophocles.
SHAKESPEARE
Shut up! Shut UP.
ELIZABETH
Lorange, porange, dorange, I don’t think anything rhymes with orange, but I’ll ask Mr. Darcy later.
HESTER
Oh please, Mr. Darcy is probably off with another girl. Trust me, I know adultery when I see it.
ELIZABETH
Don’t talk about him like that! He promised me he’d marry me.
JULIET
Where’s my boyfriend? Did he go to Mantua without me?
LADY MACBETH
Please stop with the boyfriend nonsense. Please.
JULIET
I would if he’d tell me where he was! He’s probably at that damn apothecary being all dramatic. I told him not to do that in my letter, and I sent it post haste! But did he read it? No, probably not.
SHAKESPEARE
Well sorry, but he couldn’t! “Fate” wouldn’t be a theme of the story if he had read it!
JULIET
Then change the ending Billy.
SHAKESPEARE
I can’t! Sparknotes will be mad at me! And you know I hate it when you call me Billy.
JULIET
Billy, Billy, Billy, where’s my boyfriend Billy?
JOCASTA
I can’t believe I married my son. He wasn’t even that good. You know what I mean, Hester? You probably have more experience than me.
Hester glares.
ELIZABETH
How could you possibly think Mr. Darcy is with someone else, Hester? He loves me!
HESTER
Honey trust me, love has nothing to do with it.
ELIZABETH
Yeah, you would know.
LADY MACBETH
Ladies, please stop it. I can’t get this stain out so some hand sanitizer would be GREATLY APPRECIATED!!
All begin screaming various things to each other arguing over various topics. Most characters are repeating the last lines that they said or something regarding that topic to the point of chaos. Then, Shakespeare breaks it up and goes to the confessional.
SHAKESPEARE
Hold it, I had an epiphany! Out of this chaos on this stupid reality show, I think I may have gotten inspiration for a new sonnet! *Ahem* “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou”…um..uh…aw forget it. I’ll just be a doctor or something instead.
Blackout.
Fin.
