by Ian Scott Wilson
SCENE ONE – Int. Dining Room. Fade into dim lighting reminiscent of candle light and crackling fire. A very large triangular table is placed center stage. There are five chairs placed at the table. One at the upstage of the table and two at both stage right and stage left. The audience is able to see the faces of all the actors sitting down. On stage right are TREY and his husband HUNTER, the latter further upstage. On stage left are DUSTIN and his sister ALI, the latter further upstage. In the center of them, downstage, sits their host, SIMON. They are all tastefully dressed, but not fancy. Before them, on the table, is an assortment of dishes, plates, forks and knives. There is no food. Behind them and about the stage are pictures of SIMON with various people. Paintings line the wall, but nothing that couldn’t be found in a hotel room. It is painfully American. The guests are all looking around them, taking in the surroundings and examining the empty plates on the table. SIMON speaks.
SIMON
Thank you for humoring me on this night.
HUNTER
No, and I believe I speak for all of us here, but this is an honor and all thanks belong to you.
ALI
That’s for sure!
(They all nod to SIMON)
SIMON
You might wonder as to what my motives might be, and rest assured they are not only platonic…
(He smiles)
But also free from all vice and ensured reciprocations. What I mean to say is that… you are friends, and friends deserve the best treatment.
TREY
(Cautiously)
Though we do appreciate it, it nonetheless remains mysterious to me. When did we meet, Simon?
SIMON
(Thinking)
Oh… perhaps two weeks… no a three and a half ago.
TREY
Right and I do believe we might have exchanged about five words until you just…invited us over.
DUSTIN
Hey, I’m not going to complain. I see what you doing as completely innocent.
ALI
Though odd that you need to explain yourself. You really needn’t do that. After all, you’ve done nothing wrong.
HUNTER
Right, as I said, we are in your debt, Simon.
SIMON
No debt required. There is no debit to fulfill. This meal is free. I assure you. Now, here is the food!
(A butler brings in trays of food on carts and places it before all of them. The food is unimportant.)
ALI
This looks great!
TREY
Sure does!
SIMON
Dig in, friends!
DUSTIN
With pleasure. By the way, what is it that you do, Simon?
(They all begin eating.)
SIMON
Guess! As you can see, I am well off.
ALI
Lawyer, maybe? I noticed your bookshelf as we came in.
SIMON
No. Dustin, your guess?
DUSTIN
Doctor?
SIMON
Nope. Trey, Hunter?
HUNTER
Ummm…
TREY
Writer?
SIMON
I don’t think so. Perhaps sometimes.
HUNTER
How about business owner? Stocks? Something with investments?
SIMON
(Shaking his head)
I am none of those things. Before I say, I must ask you all something… Would you leave the table if I were of a different political opinion than yours?
ALI
Of course not!
SIMON
How about if I was married to a member of another race?
TREY
Certainly not!
SIMON
What if…
DUSTIN
Let me assure you, Simon, none of us would leave this table after you have been so generous!
SIMON
I see. Well then, as for what I do… nothing.
HUNTER
Nothing?
SIMON
Nothing.
ALI
Unemployed?
SIMON
N-O-T-H-I-N-G. Not at all.
TREY
Surely you were, or rather, you used to do something.
SIMON
Inheritance!
ALI
Well, isn’t that keen.
DUSTIN
Sure is, I say!
ALI
Are you married, as you said, to a member of another race?
SIMON
No. I am not married at all. Nor do I have any living family.
HUNTER
I was also an only child.
SIMON
People would assume we get lonely.
HUNTER
Well, I wouldn’t say so. I was raised fine.
TREY
Not exactly lonely were you, though?
HUNTER
Oh… stop it.
SIMON
You two are quite funny, aren’t you.
TREY
Just this big lug!
ALI
Sorry… Simon, you say you get lonely?
DUSTIN
Stop it!
ALI
What? Just a question.
SIMON
It’s perfectly alright, Dustin. Yes, Ali, I do get lonely.
ALI
Did you invite me to…
SIMON
I invited you for no reason but to eat.
DUSTIN
Really, Ali!
ALI
Hush. I’m sorry, Simon.
TREY
What sauce is this?
SIMON
I forgot to introduce it, how silly of me. Please, my humblest of apologies. It is a creamy mushroom sauce and the taste you are probably asking about is sweet paprika. An odd combination, but one that works. It also accounts for the pinkish color, which is completely safe, I promise you.
HUNTER
Well, it’s perfect!
ALI
I interrupted you before, I am sorry.
SIMON
No matter. There isn’t much to tell. I simply invited friends here because I like the company and, I must say, you are all quite pleasant. Very good company indeed.
ALI
Do go on, I am curious.
DUSTIN
Don’t prod!
ALI
Stop restricting me, Dusty!
TREY
Dusty?
DUSTIN
Just an old nickname. Silly really.
ALI
I think it’s cute. You always like it when you were little.
DUSTIN
I’m clearly not little anymore. Am I little?
TREY
He isn’t!
SIMON
No.
ALI
Aww, he is!
(She pinches his cheek)
Tiny, microscopic, Dusty!
DUSTIN
Stop it!
ALI
Oh, behave yourself!
HUNTER
He is cute though.
TREY
Keep your eyes to yourself, honey!
ALI
Anyway… so what do you do with your time then, Simon? I mean, seeing as you don’t work.
SIMON
Oh, this and that. Sometimes a little more of one than the other.
HUNTER
You said you sometimes write?
TREY
Yes, I’m quite interested. I’m something of a fan of reading.
SIMON
Well, I have some of my writing here. Perhaps I’ll let you glance at it in a while.
ALI
Oh! How nice. You needn’t be so nice, really.
SIMON
I assume you would do the same.
TREY
Perhaps, but I’m certainly nowhere near as trusting or…
DUSTIN
…or wonderful as you are.
TREY
Yes, that’s it. You are wonderful.
ALI
Truly you are, right Hunter?
HUNTER
What? Oh, yes… yes, this is fantastic!
TREY
Not the food, you idiot.
HUNTER
I’m sorry, it’s terribly good.
TREY
(staring angrily)
And?
HUNTER
Yes, you are too good for this. And I look forward to reading your work.
SIMON
No, it is you all who are too kind. Though, I do feel we are beyond the common niceties… It’s a dinner party, let us talk freely. Ali, what is it you do?
ALI
Oh, nothing…
SIMON
In the same business as me then?
(He laughs)
ALI
Sorry… I mean, I’m a nurse. At Saint Mary’s.
SIMON
On Wovell road?
ALI
That’s it! I’m surprised you know it. With as much wealth as you have, I would assume you had private physicians.
SIMON
I do get out you know.
ALI
I didn’t mean to…
SIMON
I’m kidding of course. How about you, Dustin?
ALI
He lives with me.
DUSTIN
He was asking me, sis.
TREY
Let the man speak, Ali!
ALI
(Blushes)
Sorry…
HUNTER
Don’t get involved in their affairs, Trey.
DUSTIN
Anyway, Simon. Yes, I do live with this… this sister of mine. As of now, I don’t work, but I just finished my PHD.
SIMON
Oh?
DUSTIN
Yes, in philosophy. I wrote my thesis on Socrates.
ALI
I told him it was too generic. Of course he ignored me.
TREY
What’s generic about Socrates?
HUNTER
I think she means that everyone would use Socrates if they could. Sorry, Dusty.
DUSTIN
(Coughs)
Dustin… and yes, that is what she means. But I know more about Socrates than anyone…
ALI
He’d like to imagine.
DUSTIN
Will you let me speak for myself!
SIMON
And how much do you know?
DUSTIN
Well, enough to write a hundred thousand word thesis.
ALI
Tell them what it was questioning…
DUSTIN
(Obviously happy he is the topic being discussed)
Well… ok. I was researching whether or not Socrates influenced the rise of the Nazi party in Wisconsin in the sixties…
TREY
I say!
SIMON
That is rather… odd. Not the cliché you had assumed, Ali.
ALI
No, but Socrates is quite overdone.
TREY
It sounds very heavy.
HUNTER
Nonsense, it sounds great, and I’m sure it was loved. What evidence did you present?
ALI
Ha!
DUSTIN
(Glares at Ali)
Well, there seems to be a direct correlation between the opening of the public library, and the start of the skinhead movement in Dublin.
SIMON
Dublin?
DUSTIN
Dublin, Wisconsin.
TREY
No such place.
DUSTIN
I’m sorry?
HUNTER
Trey!
DUSTIN
What do you mean?
ALI
I knew you wouldn’t get away with it!
DUSTIN
Be quiet, Ali. What are you talking about Trey?
TREY
There is no such place as Dublin, Wisconsin.
SIMON
And what do you do, Trey?
TREY
I’m a cartographer.
HUNTER
Don’t fib.
TREY
I work at a paper printing factory. Our biggest order is maps and calendars. If there was a Dublin in Wisconsin, I’d know about it.
DUSTIN
It’s not very big.
ALI
Dustin, come on.
SIMON
What do you mean, Ali?
ALI
Let him tell you.
DUSTIN
I must admit, I am very sorry.
TREY
I had to, friend. I apologize.
HUNTER
See what happens when you get into other people’s affairs…
DUSTIN
No… I am sorry. I shouldn’t have lied. I don’t have a PHD, I never even finished grad school.
SIMON
Why would you lie?
DUSTIN
It’s rather embarrassing, being invited over to this mansion and…
SIMON
Oh, Dustin. Dusty, if I may, you needn’t be embarrassed. You act as if I worked for this place.
(SIMON laughs)
Please, no secrets at this table. We are all friends here.
TREY
He’s right, you won’t find enemies amongst us.
DUSTIN
I… you are right. I apologize.
ALI
There, come on. He apologized. Let’s not be hard on him.
HUNTER
Never!
SIMON
Fine, he is forgiven. Let us be open and honest. We are all comrades here!
TREY
Comrades!?
SIMON
Friends.
TREY
But…
SIMON
It needn’t be communist.
HUNTER
Sorry, Trey, he is right.
TREY
I’m sure, it has to be.
SIMON
And why is that. Are you sure as to its origins?
TREY
(Shaking his head)
SIMON
Well, the origin is indeed French and not communist at all. It is simply a term of endearment.
TREY
Oh…
SIMON
Yes.
ALI
So we are all comrade then!
DUSTIN
I would agree.
HUNTER
Sorry, honey. He is right.
TREY
So be it.
SIMON
So be it what?
(TREY looks at his food and puts his fork down)
HUNTER
Trey…
TREY
So be it, Comrades. What then, shall we be open about? Intentions?
HUNTER
Oh, don’t be bitter.
SIMON
I’ve already told you, my intentions are innocent.
ALI
Yes, Trey, don’t act in spite.
TREY
And about you, Ali? Asking if Simon here was lonely earlier.
ALI
I was merely curious.
SIMON
I was not offended.
TREY
I think she meant something altogether different, you know…
HUNTER
Be quiet, dear.
ALI
No! I want to hear what he has to say about me.
DUSTIN
Here she goes again.
ALI
Shut up, Dusty.
HUNTER
Ali, perhaps you better not intimidate him, he just wants attention.
TREY
You are supposed to take my side.
SIMON
Please don’t wage war here.
TREY
I say nothing that isn’t obvious.
ALI
So say it then. What is obvious to you might not be so clear to me. Right Dusty?
DUSTY
I’m not getting involved.
ALI
(Huffs)
HUNTER
Don’t get into it, Trey.
TREY
If you won’t fight then please step aside… HONEY!
HUNTER
Fine. Dustin, I am with you on this. I shan’t take a side.
SIMON
There really shouldn’t be sides here. We are all comrades for this dinner.
ALI
I am sorry, Simon, but he was about to insult me. I’d like very much to hear what this man has to say.
SIMON
Then I, too, will step out of the ring. Brandy anyone?
HUNTER
Me!
DUSTIN
I’ll have some as well, if it isn’t a problem.
SIMON
Not at all.
(SIMON claps his hands and a butler walks in with a bottle of a vile liquid. While TREY and ALI argue, the rest drink.)
ALI
So, Mr. Trey…
TREY
You heard what I had to say.
ALI
It wasn’t quite clear.
TREY
I do believe it was. Look at what you asked.
(He imitates her very mockingly)
‘Are you lonely mister wonderful host? Are you in need of company, Simon? Do you like what you see?’
ALI
I never!
TREY
You knew what you were asking. Don’t judge me if you have something to be shamed of.
ALI
I never did!
TREY
Oh yeah?
ALI
Well, I…
TREY
What?
ALI
You were questioning his motive… again!
SIMON
Please don’t involve me.
ALI
You are already involved. I was defending you!
TREY
He doesn’t need defending. Do you see where we are at? Maybe it was his wealth that made a sleaze of you!
ALI
How dare you!
SIMON
I must step in now! This kind of talk shouldn’t be tolerated here!
TREY
I thought we were open. All comrades?
HUNTER
Oh, here he is being valiant and wise.
TREY
You said you would stay out of it. This is between me and… that.
ALI
That!
DUSTIN
That certainly wasn’t very gentlemanly of you, Trey.
HUNTER
I have to agree.
SIMON
Please resolve it soon.
ALI
There is nothing to resolve here. He called me a sleaze. I wish to leave. I thank you, Simon for the wonderful dinner but really!
SIMON
Oh please, don’t let this stop the fun.
DUSTIN
Have a drink, Ali. It may loosen you up.
ALI
It’s him that needs loosening up! I was perfectly alright.
DUSTIN
Perhaps he should have one too!
(DUSTIN pours them both a drink.)
Perhaps we should all drink more!
SIMON
We won’t run out soon!
HUNTER
That is the best news I’ve heard all night.
ALI
Agreed. Much better than being called a sleaze!
TREY
I call ‘em as I see ‘em!
HUNTER
That is quite enough.
(He glares at TREY.)
ALI
(Looks as if she will cry.)
Oh…
SIMON
I must step in again at this point. Ali, I am indeed lonely, and I am sure you did not mean what Trey thinks you did.
ALI
No!
SIMON
So it seems that you, Trey, were quite mistaken. Anyway, it wouldn’t have mattered.
TREY
You mean?
SIMON
Yes, but I am quite uninterested in anyone in this room. Well… Dusty…
DUSTIN
Oh, I am flattered.
SIMON
Mmmm
(SIMON winks at DUSTIN.)
ALI
So… no?
TREY
I knew it!
HUNTER
Oh stop, its over.
ALI
Not quite!
TREY
Meaning what?
SIMON
I believe she deserves an apology, Trey.
TREY
Well…
ALI
I’m waiting.
DUSTIN
Don’t try and push his buttons, Sis.
ALI
I’m sorry. I just got flustered is all.
TREY
…I am sorry. I must admit, I have been quite… out of line tonight about a great many things…
SIMON
No need to apologize. You are quite right to be concerned. How many people in my position simply offer free dinners?
TREY
Not so many.
HUNTER
Nonetheless, you deserve the benefit of the doubt.
SIMON
I thank you for understanding. Indeed, Trey, I really mean nothing but friendliness and…
(He turns his head to DUSTIN).
Well… almost entirely.
DUSTIN
You flatter too much!
SIMON
It is all deserved. Another drink?
TREY
Wait. I have yet to apologize to Ali.
ALI
Oh, it’s alright. I understand. I have little upsets many times…
(She laughs.)
Just ask Dusty, here.
TREY
Anyway… Ali, I am sorry.
ALI
Apology accepted. I will say I am sorry as well, though. I shouldn’t have gotten that offended.
HUNTER
No Ali, you were quite right to be so upset. He…
TREY
I get mouthy sometimes.
SIMON
Great! All settled then!
DUSTIN
Finally.
TREY
Ali, I would like to start over with you, if I may.
ALI
How do you mean?
TREY
I wish to attempt to be polite and start our friendship over again. Do you accept?
ALI
Accepted!
DUSTIN
I have an idea!
TREY
Oh? I think I see what you mean.
SIMON
I am afraid I don’t.
DUSTIN
Change seats!
(DUSTIN gets out of his chair and walks, in front of the table, to TREY. TREY stands and they shake hands. TREY moves over next to ALI and DUSTIN sits next to HUNTER.)
SIMON
Perfect. A wonderful idea, wouldn’t you say so, Hunter?
HUNTER
Perhaps you and I should change?
SIMON
Maybe later.
HUNTER
Oh, I didn’t mean to step over the line.
SIMON
Oh, no need to worry. It’s just that I enjoy being in the middle.
(He winks at DUSTIN.)
HUNTER
Quite fine then.
ALI
So, my name is Ali.
TREY
Nice to meet you Ali, my name is Dr. Van Camp.
ALI
It is not!
HUNTER
How do you know? I thought you were meeting for the first time.
ALI
Oh! Right.
TREY
I fool you, my mistake, lady. My name is Trey. Pleasure to meet you.
ALI
The pleasure is all mine!
DUSTIN
Oh, look at her flirt!
SIMON
I think she means to be friendly. Well, I hope she does.
ALI
Perhaps…
TREY
I am immune to her charms as well, I am afraid.
HUNTER
It would seem that the only one who is capable of being attracted it you, Dustin!
SIMON
Oh you are sick!
HUNTER
He is the straight one!
SIMON
True! Well the, Dusty, what do you think? Are you immune to her charms?
DUSTIN
To my sister?
SIMON
The very one.
TREY
How could you not be? I mean, I wouldn’t be able to get into the boy scouts and even I may blush. Isn’t that right, Hunter?
ALI
Oh stop it!
HUNTER
Sorry, dear, he is right.
SIMON
Well?
DUSTIN
I am certainly, absolutely, positively…
TREY
You’re stalling!
(ALI giggles.)
DUSTIN
No I am not!
SIMON
Stalling or attracted to your sister? Do you think she is ugly? I don’t mean anything by it, Ali.
ALI
No offense, you are the interrogator.
DUSTIN
What? No, no and well… no.
HUNTER
In which order?
TREY
It doesn’t matter, he gave the same answer.
SIMON
So you admit she isn’t hideous.
DUSTIN
Well no… I mean. Look here!
ALI
It’s an innocent question, brother of mine! I can tell you that I find you attractive.
DUSTIN
Ali!
SIMON
She means nothing by it, friend.
ALI
Indeed. I just mean that… well, you aren’t exactly perfect.
DUSTIN
You said attractive. You did. You said you found me attractive!
ALI
I just mean… well… Simon, what did I mean?
SIMON
Why me?
ALI
Don’t be a tease. It is quite obvious you find him attractive as well. I am not so good at phrasing it.
TREY
You have given him several looks.
ALI
Well?
SIMON
Dustin, friend, what I think your lovely sister means is that you have qualities that women and… certain men would find attractive.
ALI
Of course that’s what I mean.
DUSTIN
That’s obvious!
HUNTER
What qualities?
TREY
You mean to say you can’t see them?
HUNTER
I am sorry, Dustin, but… you aren’t my type. I am not the best to ask about this. Besides… I am taken.
(HUNTER lifts his hand to show his wedding ring.)
Isn’t that right honey?
TREY
Very taken!
DUSTIN
Will somebody tell me what my sister means!
ALI
Well… the qualities I find… attractive.
DUSTIN
Don’t use that word.
ALI
Qualities?
TREY
You know what word!
SIMON
Of course she knows what word, she was joking.
ALI
Qualities?
DUSTIN
That’s the word.
ALI
What word would you have me use?
SIMON
Features?
ALI
He isn’t a car… well, perhaps a muscle car.
DUSTIN
Stop it with those… suggestive words!
SIMON
The… elements that make Dusty, here, quite fine are his wonderful arms.
DUSTIN
My arms?
ALI
And your butt.
DUSTIN
You like my butt?
ALI
Who doesn’t?
HUNTER
(Raises his hand.)
SIMON
Oh, come now. You haven’t seen his bottom! How about you stand and give us a show?
DUSTIN
No!
TREY
So be it… comrades.
(He laughs quite loudly.)
SIMON
What else do you find sexy, Ali?
DUSTIN
Sexy? Please use the same words. Don’t jump around like that!
ALI
Fine, fine.
DUSTIN
So what do you mean?
ALI
Sexy!
DUSTIN
NO! What do you mean… no, what else must I be worried to show around you now. Lest you get all hot and bothered!
SIMON
I think it’s your eyes.
HUNTER
Let her answer.
SIMON
Sorry…
ALI
It’s your eyes.
SIMON
I knew it!
ALI
How couldn’t you like them as well? His butt and his eyes!
DUSTIN
I think we’ve gotten off topic.
SIMON
What was the topic?
DUSTIN
Trey and Ali’s new friendship.
SIMON
Oh yes!
TREY
I can wait a moment while this conversation continues.
ALI
As can I.
HUNTER
Indeed.
DUSTN
(Upset, drinks quite a lot from his glass. Refills it.)
SIMON
I am going to pull rank here. I am the host. The conversation shall continue!
ALI
Yes!
DUSTIN
Oh my…
TREY
You mean to tell me you don’t find her sexy?
DUSTIN
I think… I think she has features which…
ALI
Ha! I knew it.
DUSTIN
What does that mean?
TREY
Oh, I think I…
SIMON
Quite!
DUSTIN
I’m confused.
ALI
No you’re not.
DUSTIN
Well then?
ALI
Well then what?
DUSTIN
What do you mean?
ALI
I’ve caught you…
SIMON
Oh wow! You’ve been ratted on!
DUSTIN
I… I…
HUNTER
Lost for words?
TREY
It’s nothing to be ashamed of.
SIMON
Quite the opposite.
ALI
I’m certainly not offended.
DUSTIN
This is getting… weird.
TREY
Weird is relative.
SIMON
At my dinners weird is normal.
DUSTIN
I’m sorry, I am not used to… and I am just…
ALI
Oh brother! There really isn’t need to be embarrassed.
DUSTIN
What about mother and father?
SIMON
Where are mother and father?
ALI
Gone.
HUNTER
Where?
SIMON
I’m sorry. I didn’t know.
ALI
What do you mean where? To the shops! They’re dead, you nincompoop!
(She laughs and pours herself another glass.)
DUSTIN
What would they think?
ALI
I’m sure dad wasn’t too different than you.
DUSTIN
That’s even worse.
ALI
Oh come now!
SIMON
Who are you to judge? I don’t mean to be rude but… oh yes I do, actually.
(He snorts out a laugh.)
DUSTIN
I feel ashamed.
ALI
Of someone else’s actions? Besides, it’s not like he did anything wrong. I wasn’t…
DUSTIN
Oh good!
ALI
Never! But, really. It is a compliment.
DUSTIN
I didn’t think you had seen me… I told you to knock on the office door!
ALI
Office door?
DUSTIN
Yes, you saw me on the computer with your photo.
ALI
I was meaning when we were children…
SIMON
Whoopsie!
HUNTER
Oh deary me!
DUSTIN
(Puts his face on the table. He covers his head.)
No. No. No. I am an idiot.
TREY
Well, I assume you are still flattered, Ali?
ALI
More than ever. Ha!
SIMON
Oh, come on Dusty. Lift your head up!
DUSTIN
No!
HUNTER
Why not?
ALI
Please?
DUSTIN
No! Never again.
SIMON
You can’t keep your head down all night. We haven’t even had desert!
TREY
Oh, what is it?
SIMON
Umm, if I remember correctly… apple pie.
TREY
Yummy!
HUNTER
Sounds wonderful. Won’t you even raise your head to eat the apple pie?
DUSTIN
No!
SIMON
What about to drink?
DUSTIN
Get me a straw!
ALI
Your attempts will fail, Simon. He is the most stubborn mule I’ve ever known.
DUSTIN
No, I am not!
ALI
See.
TREY
She has a point, Dusty.
ALI
Brother?
DUSTIN
Go away!
ALI
To where?
SIMON
No one will go anywhere. Please be brave and answer her. Answer Ali… your sister.
ALI
(Giggles.)
TREY
Oh come now! I want to move onto our friendship making, Dusty. Please answer her.
DUSTIN
Well…
TREY
Lift your head.
DUSTIN
(He lifts his head).
SIMON
Good. Now respond to her.
DUSTN
…yes, Ali?
ALI
How often do you…
DUSTIN
(Put his head back down.)
SIMON
Oh come now, Ali. It’s clearly quite often.
(He giggles childishly.)
DUSTIN
I will lift my head… but I won’t like it.
HUNTER
We often do things we don’t like.
ALI
You aren’t ashamed of it; I mean… if you were you wouldn’t do it. Besides, it doesn’t hurt me. We all have odd thoughts now and then. It really is fine.
DUSTIN
You mean?
SIMON
The plot thickens!
ALI
Yes, I sometimes think about it and… sometimes fantasize.
TREY
Oh, new friends of mine, why didn’t I ever meet you all before?
HUNTER
It takes a lot to get you out of bed!
TREY
Hey there!
DUSTIN
Do you… wow.
SIMON
Wowie zowie!
ALI
Well… I can’t be ashamed of myself now. It’s out in the open. It is fact.
SIMON
I love dinner parties! More drinks!
(He claps his hands again. The butler this time brings several large bottles of vile liquid.)
Wonderful!
DUSTIN
I need a drink!
ALI
We all do… again!
SIMON
Cheers, comrades!
TREY
Cheers, comrades!
ALL
Cheers!
TREY
Now… back to friendship.
HUNTER
Quite.
ALI
So… where were we?
TREY
I can’t quite remember you know.
SIMON
I have an idea!
HUNTER
Yes?
SIMON
Yes.
ALI
What is it?
SIMON
Drinks! Everyone drink more!
ALI
How does that… oh never mind.
TREY
Maybe move on?
ALI
Friends?
TREY
Of course!
SIMON
Wonderful! And to think you two were at each other’s throats!
DUSTIN
The times, they change.
ALI
Someone got his voice back!
DUSTIN
I think I might be over it.
HUNTER
Oh yes? That was fast!
ALI
Should he not have been?
HUNTER
I didn’t mean that. It just seemed he was very upset about it all. Rather quite upset actually. He went all red.
DUSTIN
Did I?
SIMON
You did.
DUSTIN
Fine. Well, I am over it. It’s like when you say the same word over and over again. It simply loses meaning.
TREY
Something like that…
ALI
And me?
SIMON
Yes, dear?
ALI
No one will ask about me
SIMON
You didn’t seem upset at all. Were you?
ALI
No, but…
DUSTIN
We have discovered something new about each other. Well… at least I have.
ALI
I knew it all along. It was kind of like my secret.
HUNTER
How was your secret her secret?
ALI
To be fair, he wasn’t very good at keeping that a secret.
DUSTIN
I did tell you to knock!
ALI
Yes, but I had the decency to not be in the office when I had you on my mind.
SIMON
How raunchy!
ALI
Yes… anyway. Trey, how did you and Hunter meet?
TREY
Well, I think he would tell it better.
HUNTER
Oh my. On the spot.
(He laughs and drinks.)
Well… where should I start, Trey?
SIMON
From the beginning.
TREY
He’s right.
HUNTER
Oh. Ha ha! Ok then. Well, Ali, everyone. Trey and I went to high school together. We had biology together.
SIMON
Oh, young love!
DUSTIN
High school sweet hearts!
TREY
Exactly, go on Hunter.
HUNTER
Well, I think I remember the specific moment. Somewhere between dissecting a sheep eye and drawing a diagram of a cell… I looked across the classroom, past all the annoying scoundrels that were distracting the teacher, and we caught each other’s eyes and…
SIMON
And?
HUNTER
Well, we that moment kind of faded away. But it certainly was the first one. The next class, I got there early, to pick a seat near where he usually sat. I did and when he came in he saw me. I think he was shy so he didn’t sit near me. He sat where I usually sat. The class made nothing of it. I mean, the teacher hadn’t given us assigned seating so the change up wasn’t unusual. But… Trey here is a hard play, that’s for sure.
TREY
Oh stop.
(He laughs).
SIMON
Go on…
ALI
Yes, this is great!
HUNTER
Ok, ok. So the next class I waited outside, pretending I was tying my shoe or something, and I waited until he came in. He looked at me funny. I think it was confusion. Well, anyway. He sat in his normal seat, the one when I caught his eye, and I went in and sat right next to him. I was trying to be brave, but the whole class I was just kind of speechless. It was… embarrassing to say the least.
TREY
I had no idea what to think.
DUSTIN
I imagine.
HUNTER
Anyway, the class had a lot of awkward silences and during times when the teacher went quiet to fiddle with the overhead, or a ruler or something, I gave him the most suggestive winks. I’m sure he was blushing. No, I know he was. Red as a red balloon. Anyway… skipping ahead a little bit, I got up the nerve to properly talk to him. It was by sheer chance that we were paired up in the next biology class by the teacher. We were to make a poster about osmosis or something like that and well… I opened my mouth and before I could ask him out to a film, he just kissed me.
SIMON
You didn’t!
TREY
(Nodding proudly. He pours himself a drink.)
I wasn’t quite as timid as he believed me.
ALI
That’s cute. Isn’t it, Dusty?
DUSTY
Cute indeed.
HUNTER
Yes… he was excellent. The teacher had to pull us apart. Needless to say, we were infatuated with each other and still are.
SIMON
Musical chairs?
TREY
Yes!
(SIMON stands and switches seats with HUNTER. TREY switches with DUSTIN. Now HUNTER is at the head of the table, SIMON is sitting next to TRAY. ALI is sitting next to DUSTIN. They all drink quite a lot.)
ALI
I don’t make you uncomfortable do I, brother?
DUSTIN
(Shaking his head)
On the contrary. I don’t think I’ve been more comfortable now that the feelings are on the table.
ALI
Good!
(She leans in and kisses DUSTIN on the cheek. She checks his reaction, which is not shocked. She kisses him again and then goes for her drink.)
SIMON
Hmm, the table looks quite different now that I am not sitting in the head.
HUNTER
I agree, it certainly does feel different here.
SIMON
Next time I would like to sit next to Dusty. If I may steal him from you, Ali.
ALI
By all means! There’s enough of him to go around.
DUSTIN
Don’t I get a say in this?
TREY
Yeah, doesn’t he get a say in this?
ALI+SIMON
No!
TREY
Fine, fine. Sorry, Dusty, I tried to help you. Now you must fend for yourself.
DUSTIN
I must say, Simon, though I am flattered by your interest in me… well, since recent things have come to light. I must say… oh how do I put it…
SIMON
Try not to offend me.
DUSTIN
I’m terribly sorry but I don’t swing that way…
SIMON
Oh…
(He drinks and then lowers his head. His smile fades.)
DUSTIN
I didn’t mean to offend.
ALI
Looks like he’s all sad now.
TREY
I shouldn’t have done that if I were you.
SIMON
No. No. It’s perfectly fine. I’ve only been charming.
DUSTIN
So you did have other intentions inviting me here!
ALI
Not this again.
HUNTER
Ali, I’m afraid they might get into this again.
SIMON
What is that supposed to mean?
DUSTIN
I agree, you have been very charming, but that last statement was… misleading.
ALI
Oh drop it.
SIMON
Misleading? How?
DUSTIN
Well… if your intention are truly innocent it shouldn’t matter how charming you have been.
SIMON
Am I not a person, too?
TREY
Of course you are!
DUSTIN
Yes, but…
SIMON
Well then… I did not invite you here for any reason other than company.
DUSTIN
What kind of company?
SIMON
Now you! You stop it right there!
ALI
Come on, Dusty.
DUSTIN
Or what?
SIMON
Or… or…
DUSTIN
Well?
SIMON
Or no dessert!
DUSTIN
Is that it?
SIMON
How dare you!
DUSTIN
Well?
SIMON
I’ve been nothing but kind!
DUSTIN
And your ulterior motives? Me!
ALI
You don’t know that!
TREY
Try and be proper. Drink more.
SIMON
My ulterior motives?
DUSTIN
Yes! You thought I was attractive… so you brought me here to… to drunk me up!
SIMON
Never! I simply invited you here because you and Ali seemed very pleasant. I might have to reconsider.
ALI
Oh, come now you two!
SIMON
He is accusing me of being a weasel.
TREY
Please no more fighting. I’ve learned my lesson and it doesn’t solve anything.
HUNTER
Dear… let them battle it out. Its interesting.
ALI
Is that all this is to you? Let them stop fighting, or… or I’ll be cross!
HUNTER
My apologies.
ALI
Stop apologizing. Everyone! Everyone stop saying they are sorry.
DUSTIN
Simon! I’m waiting.
SIMON
You can wait all night. More apple pie for us!
DUSTIN
Oh yeah? How can we believe you that were just here to eat your food? Who does that?
ALI
Don’t be ungrateful, Dusty.
HUNTER
Well… I could go for that dessert about now.
SIMON
Not until he stops acting like a fool! And in my home… the nerve! I open my doors to you, entirely on faith and trust. And what do you do… you…
(He stands up and shouts.)
You shit all over me!
(Everyone goes quiet for several moments.)
ALI
Oh my…
SIMON
Oh my indeed. I want you out!
TREY
Surely not, this is drastic. I’m sure that…
SIMON
You be quiet! This is between me and Dusty, so called because of his old and underused brain!
DUSTIN
I never… well then. Come on Ali. Let’s get out of here. I know when I’m not wanted.
SIMON
No! Ali has been perfect. You, though. You have just crossed so many lines.
ALI
I think, I will stay.
DUSTIN
…I see. Well then…
TREY
Oh come now. Please let’s find a way to work this out!
DUSTIN
I think that there is no way. I’ve just been kicked out.
SIMON
Yes! All I asked was for an apology, which you have refused to give me.
ALI
Come on, Dusty, just apologize.
HUNTER
Yeah, its fine, just… calm down and say you are sorry.
DUSTIN
I’ve been so embarrassed tonight, and I… I just don’t get why we are here.
TREY
Don’t we all wonder.
HUNTER
Trey!
TREY
Don’t worry, I just want him to apologize.
ALI
Come on.
SIMON
I am waiting.
DUSTIN
Well…
SIMON
I shall not force you.
DUSTIN
Fine. I was out of line. Will you forgive me… and… and may I also have apple pie?
(SIMON starts to laugh and is quickly joined by everyone else. They all laugh until they nearly cry, drinking along the way.)
SIMON
Come here, you!
(DUSTIN stands and goes over to SIMON, who hugs him tightly. When they leave the embrace they sit down and stare at each other for a moment before returning to conversation and their seats.)
DUSTIN
Forgiven? I really am sorry.
SIMON
If what you are really asking is for apple pie, then yes I forgive you. It certainly is time for desert. Just a moment.
(SIMON claps his hands and the butler comes in once again with enough apple pie for ten people. He gives it out.)
SIMON
This wonderful desert was made just today for all of you!
ALI
Aww, how keen! Dusty, isn’t that keen?
DUSTIN
Sure is. Shucks. It looks great! Really it does.
TREY
He isn’t making it up!
DUSTIN
Certainly not. I feel bad now, perhaps I have drunk too much. Drank. Is it drank or drunk.
HUNTER
Drinked?
DUSTIN
No, I don’t think so.
ALI
Here, eat the pie!
SIMON
By all means, please, as they say, dig in!
TREY
Can I point something out?
SIMON
Besides the obvious?
HUNTER
What is the obvious?
SIMON
This is an odd dinner.
HUNTER
Oh, funny!
TREY
Yes, apart from that.
SIMON
Feel free, I’ve said this before.
TREY
It is merely an observation, but I am curious to have feedback on it and perhaps even a little show.
ALI
Show?
TREY
Quite. Well, anyway, what it is… is about you and your dear brother.
DUSTIN
Oh?
ALI
Oh…
HUNTER
Was it not resolved?
TREY
I would like to know more. I mean, there is an obvious attraction but…
HUNTER
But you wish to meddle around… as always, right?
ALI
It’s fine.
DUSTIN
Is it?
ALI
I think so. All he wants is to understand our odd situation.
DUSTIN
I wasn’t aware how odd myself actually. If you don’t mind explaining to me as well.
SIMON
This should prove quite entertaining, actually.
TREY
I thought as much. Very good pie by the way.
SIMON
Thank you.
ALI
Anyway, as I already said. I knew what he had thought of me beforehand and I guess that he knows just now, but… it must be surprising.
SIMON
Before she fully begins, I would like to say thank you all, once again, my drunk new friends, thank you all for coming.
ALI
Yes. It was only polite.
SIMON
I’m sorry, do go on.
ALI
Yes, well, so I was well aware of Dusty’s fantasies, but not him of mine…
TREY
I’m sorry to interrupt a further time, but what I was really getting at was your feelings now. Now that it is known, how do you siblings feel?
ALI
Care to handle this?
DUSTIN
You mean?
ALI
I assume we feel the same.
(ALI winks at DUSTIN)
DUSTIN
…Oh… oh, OH! Oh I see. Ok. Well then, um…
ALI
Go on, brother.
SIMON
No need to be shy.
ALI
Indeed.
DUSTIN
Ok. Well then, I would have to say… this is too weird. I mean, I can even tell that we feel the same, but I don’t understand why, or how. I don’t mean to draw this out, you see, but I am having trouble accepting the reality before me.
SIMON
That is the most vital thing you can do. You must accept the facts and then deal with the beliefs later.
DUSTIN
I see. Hmm. Ok. Well then…
(DUSTIN stands up, puts his hands down on the table and leans forward.)
DUSTIN
I.Am.In.Love.With.Ali.
TREY
Sexually?
HUNTER
Of course you moron!
TREY
Personality?
ALI
All things.
DUSTIN
It’s true.
SIMON
Well then, Trey. It would seem all things are resolved.
(They all drink quite a bit more. Things are very sloppy indeed.)
ALI
Almost…
SIMON
Meaning?
DUSTIN
I think you know quite well what she is referring to.
SIMON
Not that old business about ulterior motives again?
HUNTER
Just the thing!
SIMON
You too? Trey, how about you?
TREY
I know you just forgave me, not two minutes ago, and it might very well be the drink, but we can’t allow it to stand anymore!
SIMON
And what exactly do you mean?
ALI
I think you know. You have been kind. Very kind.
DUSTIN
Too kind!
SIMON
Well!
TREY
We all feel that…
SIMON
How can you all have thought the same thing?
HUNTER
It is quite obvious, you know.
ALI
You can’t invite strangers over and…
TREY
And feed them luxurious foods!
(As this progresses SIMON becomes increasingly scared and the others voices are being raised, their tone becoming harsher.)
HUNTER
Delicious apple pie.
ALI
Drinks until, until…
DUSTIN
Until we forget where we are.
ALI
And we drink so much and have come up with a few theories, I’m sure.
TREY
Yes we have. Well, I have anyway, and so has Ali. I’m sure the others have.
HUNTER
Quite! We know you are rich and as you have said before, do absolutely N-O-T-H-I-N-G.
SIMON
It was the truth!
ALI
And to expect that you are actually just bored!
DUSTIN
Or just eccentric!
ALI
It cannot be believed.
TREY
Not even a little.
HUNTER
I am sure, that you might be a little bored.
TREY
But to get us all drinking to the point of pure…
HUNTER
Pure drunk!
TREY
Yes, pure drunkenness!
ALI
I think you have very sinister plans indeed!
DUSTIN
Dark and evil.
TREY
Twisted.
HUNTER
Black.
TREY
Morose. No, I mean morbid.
ALI
So…
SIMON
Well? If this is what you think, and I can assure you it is not true. Then I must ask you to leave. Yes! Get out!
(Nobody moves. SIMON looks very upset now.)
SIMON
I have been nothing but a perfect host. I am nice and you animals believe that for everything there must be hidden meaning. Perhaps, unlike a poem, I am simply as I appear. Perhaps I am just trying to extend my hand in kindness to strangers. You are not the first to visit and…
(SIMON stands and starts pacing very quickly, now almost shouting.)
SIMON
And… you will probably be the last! I can never let bastards like you into my place again. Ever! How come I can’t just be nice without upsetting people? Why is it that so many people must think I am too strong, too forward. I am simply being friendly. I am just a bored man. I am just nice!
(SIMON is extremely upset by this point, he pulls out ALI’s chair, and she falls.)
SIMON
Get out! Get out at once! Never darken my doorstep again! Never enter this place. You are all not welcome!
ALI
Ouch!
DUSTIN
You bastard!
SIMON
I am not the bastard here! Get out now!
DUSTIN
Are you ok Ali?
ALI
Ouch!
TREY
He pushed her.
HUNTER
Fuck that! He threw her to the floor!
SIMON
I don’t want to have company anymore. Get away!
DUSTIN
Put ‘em up!
(DUSTIN walks to SIMON and tries to hit him. He misses. SIMON hits him in the stomach. TREY comes over to hold SIMON back to stop him from hitting DUSTIN again. DUSTIN, breathing heavy, hits SIMON hard in the face. SIMON bleeds. HUNTER comes over to help ALI up. He holds her close as the fighting goes on. DUSTIN kicks SIMON hard in the crotch. SIMON coughs and wheezes. DUSTIN continues to hit SIMON. TREY does not let SIMON go. DUSTIN then takes a big swing at SIMON and SIMON is hit out of TREY’s arms and falls over. ALI runs over and kicks SIMONs neck. SIMON is dead. They are all panting and almost in shock. They are in a drunken stupor. After a moment of shock when they all look at each other, they straighten their clothes up and brush back their hair.)
TREY
Thank you.
HUNTER
Thank you.
(HUNTER and TREY walk off stage.)
DUSTIN
Thank you for the dinner, it was excellent.
ALI
Thank you, Simon.
(ALI and DUSTIN kiss before also walking off stage.)
CURTAIN
