by Ian Scott Wilson
Writer’s note: I wrote this rap battle in a fit of boredom, and decided to make it as historically accurate as possible. Only after my lovely girlfriend suggested that I publish it did I think about neatening it up and adding in some annotations to make it more accessible. As part of our discussion, I decided to include brief biographies of each of the men here. Grover Cleveland I know very well, whereas with William Jennings Bryan I had to do a bit more reading (and still don’t know a large amount about him). I hope that you, dear reader, get at least one laugh out of this rather silly piece of writing. As a final note to the reader I must say that I am not a lyrical genius. This will be obvious to you very soon.
But first, some quick historical background…
1908: William Howard Taft defeats constant-campaigner William Jennings Bryan for the presidency, the first Model T Ford is produced, the Chicago Cubs win the world series, and even in the year of his death the only Democrat President elected between James Buchanan (in 1857) and Woodrow Wilson (in 1913) has already started the process of being forgotten. Though he was a prominent statesman in his time, dominating the political scene for over a decade, Grover Cleveland is not remembered as well as most of our presidents. In the polls ranked by some type of subjective “greatness” (the same polls where George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, or Franklin Roosevelt come out on top), Cleveland does average at best. Is it because of the changing historical opinion of the lasting effects of his presidency, as Richard E. Welch, Jr. argues, or because no one really knows where to place him, or even because he really was a mediocre president? Perhaps it can be a combination of those reasons and more; but where certain national sentiments and events that occur during a presidential term are unavoidable and uncontrollable (economic crisis, racial considerations, public opinion, political disagreements), maybe it is the moral fortitude and determination that makes a president great, rather than memorable. Cleveland, inspired by Andrew Jackson and Thomas Jefferson, had the attributes that could have made him a hero to the nation; but often the presidents most recognized are “those who expanded the frontiers of the central government”, or won a war. In no way should it be said that Cleveland was one of the greatest presidents; as Lawrence Reed put it “I prefer activist presidents, too, though of a different variety. I give high marks to those presidents who actively sought to uphold the Constitution, and who worked to expand the frontiers of freedom. I’ll take a president who leaves us alone over one who can’t keep his hands out of other people’s pockets any day of the week. Honesty, frugality, candor, and a love for liberty are premium qualities in my kind of president.” Cleveland certainly had these attributes, but his personality was also erratic, he could be domineering but prone to bouts of depression, a moral crusader but sometimes unresponsive to the American condition. Cleveland was the only president to serve two non-consecutive terms (1885-1889 and 1893-1897 with the interim filled by Benjamin Harrison’s Republican Presidency), which is further complicated by the shifting Democratic ideologies in a post-Civil War America and an economic crisis in Cleveland’s second term, not to mention how Cleveland’s firm support of the gold standard put him at odds with the new democratic backing of free silver and bimetallism. Cleveland, though he did revamp the presidency (then nearly in the shadow of a particularly strong congress), never won any great wars. His contribution to the United States People was to restrain the government by obeying the constitution, and deny favors to special interests. Cleveland was a president of the people, who campaigned on lowering the tariff and reforming the civil service, but his presidencies should not be defined as populist. Indeed, many of his decisions, or lack thereof, sparked upsets both in his party and in the nation. His own party seemed to be leaving him behind in favor of the more progressive William Jennings Bryan and the populist attitude. William Jennings Bryan never became president, though he did leave his mark on the American political scene as a man of ideas. He ran for president in the 1896, 1900, and 1908 elections, doing well each time but never well enough to beat the political tank that was the Republican Party. He was 36 in the first campaign, making him the youngest-ever presidential candidate. He campaigned for free-silver, anti-imperialism, and trust busting, but ultimately lost out to the stronger McKinley/Taft popularity. In 1913, Woodrow Wilson appointed Bryan to the Secretary of State, from which he resigned because of his anti-war stance (on the First World War issue, as he previously supported American military intervention in the Mexican Civil War). He is better remembered for a speech he made years earlier while running in the 1896 election in which he derided those who stood against bimetallism. Bimetallism was the idea of inflating the currency with silver as well as gold in order to improve the life of the average worker and make money more readily available. In this speech he argued that to hold onto the gold standard would be to crucify ourselves and our economy on a “Cross of Gold”. He lost the election and McKinley formally adopted the Gold Standard, allowing for easier trade with foreign nations.
And now, the rap battle…
Grover:
Yo muthafucka this is Grover, so move over
before I total you. Run for president too!
Save your own ass, Bryan, your nomination is crying.
Or criminal, changing the party based on a mineral.
It’s simple, but you don’t understand economics
If you free the silver, economy will shiver.
Just sit back and watch this speech I deliver.
Humiliate yourself in the scopes monkey trial[1],
Your success aint real and your presidency neither.
You don’t drink, support prohibition,
Die in your bathtub[2], career in remission.
I was an honest man, Tammany[3] couldn’t stand
Got the mugwumps[4], and the party shrugs
They just don’t understand.
I am Grover Cleveland, a real fucking man!
[1] Bryan was a denier of evolution and was prominently represented at the Scopes trial.
[2] Another account gives his death as occurring during a nap after a rather heavy meal.
[3] New York Democratic Political Machine. It was known for being corrupt.
[4] Republicans who left their party and supported Cleveland.
Bryan:
Let me take a moment to summarize your career… Done.
Your policy is ancient, promises aint worth shit.
Return flags for a war you were never in[5] .
When I’m through with you,
It’ll be Cleveland vs Harrison 2.
I may not have won, but my party I did not shun.
I was progressive, rhetorically impressive,
My words wove pictures, and my career obsessive.
Your presidency, forgotten
Your legacy, rotten
The cancer in your jaw[6] … coffin.
I am William Jennings Bryan,
Greatest politician of my time.
History’s not the same without me,
Your legacy turns on dime.
You were an ineffective president that just wouldn’t go.
Keep trying to beat me- I’ll crucify you on a cross of gold.
[5] Cleveland returned the confederate flags to the southern states, a controversial move considering he hired a substitute to fight for him.
[6] Cleveland underwent a secret surgery to have a tumor removed from his upper jaw. The actual piece of jaw and tumor are kept in the Mutter Museum in Philadelphia.
