by Jessica Kraker
Across state lines, I wonder if you love me.
Because all I know is that you love me here, in this town where you and your sister ran across rooftops with your friends, while me and mine were starting fights in the dark. Always above. Always below. Getting on the same level was impossible back then. Different schools, different cultures, the only connection between us being that our feet drifted over the same streets as we daydreamed through adolescence.
All I know is that you love me there, in high school where I’d pick you up at your locker so we could run away together. Your leather jacket barely doing its job of keeping you warm, my pea coat hiding all the sweaters I was smothered in. The train car would shake, I would stumble, and your solid weight would always catch me. You told me I had no roots, no balance, but you didn’t care. You’d read to me as I fell asleep on the bus. Your steady voice weaved its way into my dreams where I’d make you smile.
All I know is that you love me.
You love me on the streets we used to meander down when it rained – one umbrella, we both got soaked, always. You love me in the diner where I stole your chips and you hid a smile behind a fist. You love me in my home where my family greets you with warmth and my grandmother has your picture on her fridge. You love me in the train stations when I wrap my arms around you and we’re in our own world.
You love me when I email you philosophical questions at 5AM when I’m away on trips and miss home. You love me when I rant and rave and you have to grab my arms so I stop pacing. You love me when I yell on the phone about how much I miss you and how much your silence hurts me. You love me when I shoot you in video games and when I smile as you play the piano.
Across state lines, I wonder if you love me.
Does it hurt your heart to travel halfway across the country every night to greet mine before I go to sleep? Or is it just my heart hurting from the journey? Do you think of the miles of stars in between us and how they’re just like us? They’re never close enough to touch. Did you know that the static only makes your voice sound better when we talk on the phone? You’ve always loved my laughter – does it sound better to you too?
All I know is that I love you.
For years I’ve believed my heart would follow yours anywhere. I think it has. I think it still would. Love makes the journey easier. But my body is tired. It misses the press of yours when the wind pushes it back. And my heart, while able for another trip, wonders if it’s still worth it.
I miss you in the empty spaces of my life.
Across state lines, I wonder if you love me.
But my heart shouldn’t have to wonder anymore when yours wanders farther away each day. I know you love me here. But you’re not here and isn’t that the problem? You’re not here to love me here. I’m not there for you to love me there.
Across state lines, I wonder if you know that love isn’t always enough.
