by Erin Ajello
Inhale, while counting to ten.
Hold, while counting to eight.
Exhale, while counting to twelve.
Again, calmly.
Ten.
Eight.
Twelve.
Again, and again, until breathing comes naturally, yet again.
I bite my tongue as I breathe.
What does not come naturally is this goddamn exercise.
Breathing in counts of ten, eight, twelve?
Is that supposed to be a natural breathing pattern?
Because it doesn’t feel natural to me, which never fails to make me even more nervous because what if this actually feels natural to everyone else? Am I the only person who has ever done this and thinks this is weird, because that makes me feel even worse, being the only person in the world who can’t even breathe correctly, I mean even newborns can fucking breathe, right? So why can’t I? What is wrong with me that I can’t-
Breathe, Alex!
You’re not keeping to the pattern.
What’s wrong?
Did you remember what got you so nervous in the first place?
You remember how this episode started?
No, wait, don’t answer, breathe.
Teneighttwelve.
No, calmly.
I slow my breathing, but only in exasperation.
This would be easier to do if I didn’t have to listen to the doctor version of Count Von Count.
Whatever.
All I have to do is breathe. I can do that, then I can go back to class and let this alarmingly under qualified counselor annoy his next victim.
Ten.
Eight.
Twelve.
That’s better.
Just remember how to breathe, don’t worry about the rest yet.
We need you to stay calm before we can discuss what the issue is.
Discuss? We’re having a discussion after this?
Oh no, I take it back, I like the breathing exercises if they mean I don’t have to sit here and talk about my feelings.
Maybe I can just stay on the breathing part for a while. Or for the rest of the school day. It’s not like I’m aching to get back to geometry class anyway.
All right, let’s try something and see if this works.
Three.
Six.
Four.
Oh no, calm down!
Remember, it’s
Ten,
Eight,
Twelve.
Try to keep doing that.
Even out your breathing.
After all, it’s not like you want to have to do this all day.
