by Shyann Cooks
Sometimes I wonder
Would my life be easier if I could fill a jock strap?
If I could binge on booze and ballgames, while ignoring the girl I picked up from the bar last night, her ass falling out of my white sheets?
The subway as my platform – I could spread my legs wider than my ego
Grab myself in front of anyone – yielding universal prestige.
Yes, I’d imagine being a dude must be nice,
Especially when your dick is more powerful than a woman with a Ph.D,
Or an 8 year- old girl pleading for her life under those mutilated hands –
I guess you felt entitled, after all you are a man.
Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to be white.
The stares on the subway sink in when I get off in Manhattan;
As if saying, “go back to the streets”
With hues of blue and green masking the hatred burning in their veins.
Might come in handy when walking into any bodega –
Or when sitting in an honors class and being mistaken as “lost”.
Whenever my frustration takes the form of words – I should go back to jail (as if I’d ever been) –
While Becky “just needs a caramel frap” from Starbucks.
It must feel exhilarating to know when your ancestors met the Queen;
I don’t even know what fucking planation mine were on.
Sometimes, I lie in bed after sex wondering
Why is this so wrong?
Why can’t I be “normal” like they want me to be?
Is my haircut really misleading or do people associate hair with gender and sexuality?
Am I bound to hell? I – don’t – know.
But I do know it’s hard being gay.
One man threatened to kill, another to “fuck me up” and “teach me a lesson”
And countless expressions of men having their way –
One to the point of following me to my college orientation
From bus to campus, mouth creating the same sounds “but I like you”.
So even if I fully dub the shit out of a man, he can follow me anytime and no one would stop him.
He could follow my partner too because lesbians can’t fuck – they need men.
The ideals of societies far and wide – still put me in the gutter in terms of respect and survival.
Even with a degree, a black, homo, woman is the only thing they see.
