by Lindsay Griffiths
It is late afternoon in a living room of a suburban home. Rick and Samantha stand in the center of the room. Rick, in standard office attire with one silver earring in his left ear, is visibly frustrated and anxious. Samantha, with bracelet sized gold hoop earrings and a tight fitting sweat suit, is relatively calm. They are in the middle of conversation.
RICK
Are you frickin serious?
SAMANTHA
Yeah, man, they dumped it in the lake and left like it was nothin’.
RICK
Shit. I worked so hard to get the thing done perfectly, pulled a couple a strings, talked to the right people…
SAMANTHA
Aaand now he’s in the lake
RICK
It’s in the lake. It’s a “it”, not a “he”.
SAMANTHA
It was a he.
RICK
Shut up, Sam. It don’t matter no more, one way or the other.
SAMANTHA
Whatever. Well, whatchya you gonna do? (She pauses.) For starters, you oughtta stop pacing around like a lunatic. Shit don’t hit the fan until it actually hits the fan. Relax.
RICK
I don’t think you’re understandin’ the gravity of the situation here.
SAMANTHA
Oh yeah?
RICK
Yeah
SAMANTHA
You shot somebody, point blank, dead between their beady little eyes, and stashed the body. The others found it ‘fore you came back and disposed of it in the wrong place, thought they was doin’ you a favor or whatever. Now if that body gets found by the cops-
RICK
-the pigs
SAMANTHA
-the pigs, your head is on the chopping block. You didn’t get no chance to stage it up right, to clean the body, to fudge the evidence…
RICK
Ugh, I could’ve got back in time. If I had just skipped the bagel shop-
SAMANTHA
You always eat your fuckin’ bagels. You always eat your fuckin’ bagels after work, tryna play like you a regular nine to five office man. That ain’t never been a problem ‘cause the body’s always been in a safe place.
RICK
‘cept for this time. This one time.
SAMANTHA
Mhhmm. Idiots.
RICK
You think they plannin’ somethin’ against me?
SAMANTHA
I dunno. That one guy, the one with the screwed up mustache, he looks pretty sus.
RICK
They all look pretty sus. I got a suspicious ass crew.
SAM
Well their suspicious asses fucked up.
RICK
Next time I see those bastards, they’re fired. No. They’re dead.
SAMANTHA
Woah, you can’t do that multiple homicide shit, Ricky. That ain’t safe and that ain’t right.
RICK
Who are you talkin’ ‘bout “right”. You didn’t care about “right” back in the day when it was just you and me, druggin’ and hustlin’.
SAMANTHA
Rick-
RICK
You didn’t care about “right” when you was helpin’ me bag Benjie after I shot him between his “beady little eyes”!
SAMANTHA
Hey, hey Rick-
RICK
And you sure as hell won’t care about no “right” when the cops start trailin’ our asses once they find his ass floatin’ in the lake. If I’m behind bars, you’re behind bars. We a team and that’s what the evidence is gon’ say.
SAMANTHA
…So the answer is to kill ‘em? You know, this whole operation don’t work without people. Strength in numbers, Ricky. You the one that taught me that. (She sighs)
Like I was saying before, relax. You ain’t gon’ be able to think nothing through if you don’t calm down first.
(She sits him down and begins massaging his shoulders)
RICK
Why didn’t you tell me ‘bout this shit before?
SAMANTHA
I was callin’ your phone all morning. You ain’t got your phone?
RICK
Yeah, I- (he pats down his pockets in a panic) Shit.
SAMANTHA
What?
RICK
I swear I had that shit with me. I took it to work- Somebody took my phone and its got all the texts between me and Benjie, the plans, the pictures-
SAMANTHA
Why in the hell would you take pictures, Ricky?!
RICK
Don’t matter now cuz it’s all gone!
(Samantha’s phone makes a sound that indicates a text message. She checks it.)
SAMANTHA
OH. Fuck. Ricky, someone texted me a picture of Benjie. Dead Benjie.
RICK
Who did?!
SAMANTHA
It’s from your phone number.
RICK
Somebody’s tryna get us caught.
SAMANTHA
Nah it ain’t somebody. It’s that triflin’ ass crew. We gotta get outta here. Now.
RICK
Ha. Strength in numbers, my ass.
They exit stage right.
