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Finding My Interests and Myself: Arriving at This Project
Was I passionate about cannibals and gore by the time I could read? Actually, no, I hated blood and guts and all of that stuff. After I seeing Psycho for the first time when I was around 12 I was scared to close the shower curtain for months; I stayed up all night and didn’t leave my room after I watched the Exorcist; I had nightmares about E.T. – you get the picture.
What about comics? Have I followed those all my life? Nope, in fact, my interest (what I should now call an obsession) in comics developed only over the last year or so. I say this not to discredit myself, but to point to how what has become a very cohesive and relevant project is actually the product of a lot of little thought fragments, hunches, and curiosities finally finding their way together and leading me to a focus of study about which I have become incredibly passionate.
English classes were always my favorite and I loved writing – I had forever, though, since about the time I set out to adapt my own version of the Nutcracker in 3rd grade (it wasn’t a very successful script). I was the editor of my (uber conservative) Catholic high school newspaper, the Leprechaun Gold, a position which actually meant that I wrote about 70% of all of the articles. I also obediently submitted to my school’s content guidelines: every article I wrote was to be cheery and positive and completely uncontroversial. For the most part, I wrote what was assigned and enjoyed the process but not the content.
When senior year came around, I realized that getting away from these kinds of limitations was a necessity. Getting out of Ohio was my primary goal, so when the acceptance letter to Macaulay, Baruch came in the mail the decision was a no-brainer. Even though I didn’t really know much about Baruch, New York City was the place I fell in love with on my first visit with my mom and dad at age 7.
After moving to the city at the end of the summer after senior year, I realized that what I thought was a rebellious attitude, style and way of thinking was not really very unique at all in New York, and that was OK – but I still searched for ways to stand out. Along with the various changes to my outward appearance (new clothes, new hair, piercings and tattoos) I also started to grow as a person. I became increasingly curious. I looked for anything out of the ordinary to dive into, especially within the academic sphere. The spring semester of my freshman year I signed up for an incredibly enticing class called “Fear, Paranoia and Anxiety in Film.” This was the kind of class that I thought college offered multitudes of, but I hadn’t seen anything like it yet, so I jumped at the opportunity.
This is the class that changed my mind about horror films and about “disgusting” things like blood and guts and gore in general. I stopped seeing horror films, even B-horror, as terrifying, gross, and otherwise insignificant and started understanding how much there is to think about in terms of the way people watch these films, the reasons that we’re so disgusted, so afraid, and in many cases so turned off by this genre. This class opened a door into an entirely new realm of curiosity that continued long after the class ended. I love films that gross people out and I love the campy, but very telling, B-Horror movies that I used to overlook. To get an idea of what I’m talking about, think Creepshow or Evil Dead.
After this, another class pushed my thoughts about the grotesque even further. I wrote a paper about cannibalism in Titus Andronicus and The Merchant of Venice for a class that focused on representations of the body in Renaissance literature. I enjoyed this paper so much because I saw a real opportunity to think about something detestable like cannibalism in an academically relevant and valuable way. After this class, I didn’t think too much about the grotesque in an academic way, but I did discover a new passion that ultimately came to combine my love for visual art and literature with my interest in the horror genre: the graphic novel.
Before I took Professor Lee Quinby’s (Macaulay Honors College) course “Imagining the End of the World,” the last time I even thought about a comic book was when I was very young, flipping through comics on a regular trip to the used bookstore with my dad. I liked the pictures, the vivid colors and the excitement, but didn’t think anything of the content. In class we read Alan Moore’s Watchmen. I was skeptical, but once I starte
d reading I could not put it down. I was totally entranced by the stunning visuals and incredible textual content. The combination of strong visual art with a fabulous story changed the experience of reading for me in a powerful way. After reading Watchmen, I went on to read as much more of Moore as I could and discovered my favorite series: The Saga of the Swamp Thing.
Beyond drawing my attention to the talents of Alan Moore, this experience piqued my interest in the graphic novel as a source of academic discussion. I went on to apply literary theory to a reading of The Saga of the Swamp Thing under the guidance of my current thesis advisor, Professor Donald Mengay.
So what does all of this have to do with cannibals, with my thesis? At the end of my junior year in college, I couldn’t get a grasp on what exactly I wanted to write about for
my thesis. I was torn; I love literature, but my interest in the graphic novel was pulling me in a different direction. I remembered my Renaissance Literature paper about cannibalism, then ideas just flooded my brain – “Cannibalism is everywhere!” I thought. It’s not just classic works that discuss the subject, but pop culture is fascinated with the idea of it – zombies are all over, violence and gore are appearing all over the place – where is this explosion coming from? Is it similar to old representations of cannibalism? All of these thoughts came together and I realized I could tie in my interest in the grotesque with my new-found love for comics and graphic novels without abandoning my appreciation and interest in conventional forms of literature.
Thankfully everything fell into place very neatly, but the process of discovering my interests and honing my skills as a writer, researcher and student is far from over. My curiosity paired with the rebelliousness that makes me love to talk about things that make people squirm continues to drive me. This colloquium is one more decision, one more checkpoint that is fueling my passion for academic discussion and thought that I’m certain will frustrate, challenge, encourage and motivate me to continue to learn and grow as a scholar.
Oh, and yes, I thoroughly enjoy dressing as a zombie at every possible opportunity!
