Shinsei: Rebirth

In the fall of my sophomore year, I forgot who I was.

My personality traits, what I liked, what I disliked, my goals; everything disappeared into a gaping black hole called depression. I stopped dreaming. I stopped speaking. I want to say I stopped thinking, because no matter how hard I try, I cannot remember any of my thoughts during the time. All I remember is a distinct feeling of existing on the very edge of life, completely separated from the rest of the world.

Around the time that I finally reached out for help, I also, for a reason I cannot remember, began exploring Japanese culture. I was fascinated by everything about Japan. My friends thought I was crazy, but they were so relieved to see me happy again. And Japan did make me happy.  Every new thing I learned seemed to suck more negative energy away from me. I began studying Japanese, and taught myself two of three alphabets in two weeks. I was like a child in the stage of fast mapping, sucking in information at a great rate with the ability to remember it all. I was proud of myself, something I had not been in years.

In the spring of my sophomore year, I knew who I was. I was a girl who was absolutely fascinated by Japanese culture, was learning the language at an extraordinary rate, and wanted to live out her life in Japan. This has not changed. Every aspect of Japan continues to fascinate me and make me happy. How could it not? Japan was like the light at the end of a dark tunnel that I never thought I would escape. It brought me back into the world again.

I know how strange it seems that what, I feel, saved me is an intangible thing: a country and its culture. Honestly, I question my sanity daily. But if I had not, by some inexplicable force, been drawn to Japan, I have no idea where or who I would be. It is like my mind decided to entirely rewire itself. A renewal. A rebirth. And at the same time I came back to life, I found Japan. I found myself. And I am happy.