Link to February 10th assignment
February 8, 2010 — Nor5-pages of current draft for peer evaluation
If you have difficulty opening this word-formatted document, it is also published on my page.
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February 23, 2010 at 11:05 pm
Hi Nor,
While your use of short sentences permit clarity in an otherwise fact-laden topic, longer sentences might help to keep ideas together as the reader goes along.
Also, it might be good to give readers an idea of where you are leading them with the facts that follow by making a topic sentence that alludes to the idea of the paragraph more explicitly.
When you quote Ayub Kahn’s comments on his coup for example, try and reiterate the implications (in reference to your argument) of his statement. You do this well after the quote, but work on melding together the conflict between his intentions and the “actual reality” as you see it, into a coherent (one or two), richer sentence right after the quote. In other words, don’t chop it up so much and use more flowing sentences; I think this could keep the reader more on track with your aim.
Otherwise, I find your use of content and evidence very clear and accessible. You also have a nice journalistic tone in some parts (see middle of pg. 4) that I would like to see come out more.
–Really good job.