Reading Metamorphosis, I was captivated by Gregor’s situation with his family and his job. It was beautifully depressing, and while I was reading, I felt a weight on my chest because I sympathized with Gregor so much that I felt what he should have been feeling, what he would not allow himself to feel. “Clockwork Grey” was on my mind, because it’s such a somber, beautiful instrumental piece:

“Well, I haven’t quite given up hope; once I’ve got the money together to pay back what my parents owe him—it may take me another five or six years—then I’ll do it, no question.” (page 89 of Metamorphosis)

When Gregor thought of the debt his parents owed (see above quote), I felt heavy sadness and an immense gravity; Gregor is an indentured servant, stuck with the burden of paying back a debt he did not incur in the first place. This was the mental image I had of how he felt:

Look at all that debt; that’s so much pressure!

I found it equally, if not more, sad that Gregor doesn’t give much thought to his metamorphosis beyond “What’s the matter with me?” The debt is what is on his mind all the time—he loves his family so much (and knows he is their only source of revenue) that he does not pause to consider his own fate. He is a selfless man who has been taken advantage of using familial ties, and it made me furious to think that his parents took him for granted like that.

A representation of my growing fury in shades of red.

At one point, we actually see that, as his parents are unable to rely on Gregor, they actually have the capability to get up and work, to do all the things he was doing for them. That made me even angrier, knowing that they had the ability to be independent all along, and yet put so much pressure on Gregor. Then I was absolutely saddened, because I realized that that meant Gregor’s only worth to his parents was as a provider. He could be nothing else.

Something I couldn’t quite get out of my head throughout the duration of the novel was that despite everything, Gregor had been born and raised human—he was not naturally an insect. He thinks human thoughts, he feels just as a human does, and I found myself thinking of the song “Human” by Daughter.

One of Gregor’s last thoughts is “What now?” He thinks back on his family with devotion and love, and that was all he ever thought of them, no matter how badly he was treated. That part made me cry, because what others would consider an unhappy life, Gregor perceived as being necessary—he never truly considered his own feelings. I thought of the song “After Thought” by Company of Thieves. It expresses the feelings that Gregor should logically express, but because he is such a selfless character, it never occurs: