The Politics of Art & Authenticity

I’m a very all-or-nothing kind of person, so I was always naturally very hard on myself, and had a competitive state of mind. My high school exacerbated this because I was in a very large school, with 800 kids in my grade, and the school atmosphere forced us to always try our best, in every aspect, with grades, sports, music, clubs, SAT scores, extra curricular activities, everything. This could have been a good thing, but for me it was a very negative thing. In my mind, everyone was always better than me in something. For everything that I put my mind to, there were 799 other kids who were doing the same thing, only better, and somehow I was falling behind. So when I tried out for my tennis team in 10th grade, I put forth my best effort, but I didn’t think I was going to do any good. I thought I would be a substitute player like I was my freshman year. But when tryouts were over and the team started, I found out I was really playing third singles. Technically, that wasn’t the best spot. First singles was the best spot. But I was just two spots away, so for me, I had finally reached something of accomplishment, something that I could finally attest to as “the best.” So I played my season, and it was fine, and life proceeded as normal. And I didn’t really feel any different, any special, any better because I played a great spot. I enjoyed playing tennis and being on the courts, but I could have enjoyed doing that in any of the spots. I realized that how good you are, in relation to others, well that doesn’t really matter. What you’re doing – that matters. And if you are loving what you do. And if you can do that… then that’s really all that matters. Because looking back on my years of tennis, I can’t really remember what spot I played all those years, and who was better than me, and who beat me. I remember running laps and suicides and sweating and running to hit that last shot right down the line. I remember putting forth my best shots. And I guess that’s what matters.