Love Without Fail – Creative Work 2

“Love”

With downcast eyes
Did I pull my latest notebook
From the abyss beneath my bed.
At a younger age did I think
Of it as a black hole;
A science fiction nerd was I,
And when I put this diary
Beneath the edge of my bedspread
I did so with the slight hope
That memories would be forgotten
That it would never resurface
That for any reason
I would not have to write again
In that melancholy way
That I tend to drift to.

But when I found myself lying
On my bed
Staring at the ceiling
Blankly,
It occurred to me that I should
Tell you my secret.
Without fulfilling my promise
I would never think straight again.

It is how I let out my feeling,
Writing, it is how I can hide hurt
As I wish to
But without putting down the words
I would have too huge a problem
In hiding then from my face.

The last story that I wrote –
Well I started to write –
In one of these notebooks
Was about a fighter and his
Epic battle
With a giant snake.
Before that it was of a queen,
Preparing herself for her killing day,
And the worlds were wrought
With all of the pain that she felt.

All of them –
Dry.
No emotion could I write
To be pure,
It was simply a way to let out my own
Depression
Short of simply attacking someone,
Yet at the time they seemed to be deep –
Full of the angst that
Only a teenager can discover
And plotlines from Heaven
Well, maybe Hell;
Heaven didn’t send sadness.

If only I had known
Emotion
Then, maybe I could have done something
With my writing
Other than hide it under my bed
To hope that no one would find it.
Not even me.

If only I had known
About love.

Ridiculous,
It feels, to talk
About love,
But it is the only thing
I can remember anymore.
Love that was not lost.
Love in your last green eyes;
The breath that escaped your last lips
As they fell into blue silence.

“You”

I remember the day I met you
Well, the day you met me.
It was two days after my brother
And I
Moved here,
And he pulled in front
Of the public high school,
Covered like an anthill
With zits and hair crème.
His face was naturally masked
Of any thoughts he may have had
Yet, for his younger brother
He had a small, more than rare,
Smile
And two words.

“Good luck!”

Even if his smile was a smirk,
And his words were dripping
In sarcasm, my ears were glad
To receive them –
Such actions were few and
Relished with fondness.

Backing from the car
He drove it away –
Sleek, black, and blasting rubber
Heard from far away
It sped from where I stood
And I turned to see my own personal Hell.
School.

Beside me pushed a muscled mass,
Rudely shrugging by,
Purposefully shoving his elbow
Into my stomache, with a few choice
Words in my direction.

Before I could become disconcerted
A reflex kicked in,
My hand reaching out,
Taking his arm to tweak in a way
That would hurt him for days.

The older boy’s face,
Trying to hide all his pain,
Let out a quiet curse,
But loud enough for all to turn and watch.
Without any more
He pushed through the doors
As other students watched me with awe.

In silence I moved on,
Not locking anyone’s eyes,
Amoung my classmates,
Old and young,
And that was when I saw you.
Well, when you saw me.
Through a hallway filled with chattering
Children,
You caught on to my gaze.

Your eyes, I remember,
Bright and green.
Even from afar,
Darkened skin and model’s legs,
Shy but never shy.
You hid nothing but
Couldn’t always say everything
And your cheeks would blush
In those times
A silent reminder that you were
Real
And not an angel from above.

The hair that you borrowed
From the evening sun
Danced across your back
When you stepped towards me
Well, bounded towards me.
And you ignored my extended hand
Set to shake yours,
Taking instead my whole body
With a hug to crush a tree-trunk,
A hug I quickly learned to enjoy.
At the time my shock
Was too large to hug you back
But I would have many other chances
To hug you back.

Well, I find, not quite
Enough.

In releasing me you told me your name.
“Carrie,”
You said, a
Bounce in your voice
When I tried to form a sentence
And words ran dry,
“I just knew that we would be
Friends!”

“Fight”

And Friends
We were, all throughout High school
But life was never
A normal endeavor.

I’ll guess I had forgotten
About the rude boy on my first day
But he, alas, would never
Forget
And stopped us one day as we
Walked.

No time soon would we have gone home
Through the park we would have strolled
Till the sun had reached its last
Refrain
But it seemed that he had brought us
Other plans.

“Our superhero seems to be
Outside,” was his snarl, “And
With his girlfriend, none the less.
What a pity it will be,
For his ego on this night,
For his girl to see him
Lose a fight.

“Don’t worry about her,”
I challenged, pushing you behind me,
“Pray for yourself.”

Never had it even crossed my mind
That he may one day want revenge
For his own bruised ego
But that didn’t matter now
As we both prepared to fight
In our stances; I in mine,
He in his,
And you, realizing that a battle was near,
Pulled on my sleeve
To get me away.
You and I fought, even each other,
All of the time,
But to possibly actually hurt another
You couldn’t stand that,
Could you?

When we truly began to
‘Have it out,”
How horribly your green eyes watched
Us.
Wretched, they were,
And even as I fought I could see them.
You knew that my battle wasn’t to hurt
But it still hurt you.

In one swift movement I
Tackled him down
His face in an arrogant way
Through the pain
As he faced away from the dew ridden
Grass.

Sitting on the ground beside him
I held him down, giving him his option:

“Promise,
You will never hurt another,
Again.”

The two of us, you and I,
Left in silence.
What was there to say?
It was you who told me first,
However,
At your door.

“Thank you for letting him
Go.
You have no idea what that meant
To me.”

A hug from you was your evening gift,
And, oh, I hugged you in return.
Together we stood in the moonlit walk
In front of your home
With all our own thoughts.

“Tonight, you know,” you seemed
Thoughtful, unsure,
“You fought like a Sparrow.
Quickly, swiftly,
More than that.
You looked like the vigilante – the younger.
I saw him once, and you could
Beat him any day.
You’re stronger and braver;
Instead of destruction in an attempt to
Save
You let that jerk go with naught but a
Promise.
That is a feat I have never
Heard him to do.”

A chuckle was all that my mind
Could handle – the vigilantes?
Yes, I knew them well.
But there was no way
I could say a word of this to you,
When you already thought you knew me
So well.

So without any words that night
I said exactly what I needed
To say
Exactly what I could say.
Not really thinking, I pulled you to me
And just for a moment
We could speak through our eyes
For our lips were too busy to form
A word.
Then our eyes closed as well
Putting all communication to an end.

All that was outside was this, everything –
The moon, the heartbeat.
It was our kiss.

“Warning”

You and I walked through the halls
In a bubble,
And they always reminded me
Of that day when you met me.
The time I asked you about it stays
Most clearly in my head;
Your face as bewildered as possible –
“Why not?”
You countered, regarding your first
Embrace.
And eventually I took it as that.
No questions asked.

It was a day in early March,
My junior year –
The second year here,
When, for the first and only time,
My neighbor in science class
Spoke to me.

Her name, Rebecca Burry,
Gave the connotation of a sweet,
Country girl.
But she was something different.
A girl with hair like a black eye
And irises in her own to match
Would often show that impression
To another.
Her eyes remained on her books
And studies
Yet her head was far away;
Into the clouds and farther.
She turned to me,
Asking for a pencil,
But when she held it in her hand
She froze,
A look of terror taking over her face –
What little colour that
Had graced her cheeks
Now disappeared
Yet when I tried to ask her
She pretended to not hear.

We had a break,
And that was when I cornered her.
What had made her so frightened?

“You will not understand,”
Came her whisper –
That was how she spoke;
Quietly and in small tones,
As if afraid to attract anyone’s
Attention.

This statement of hers made
My curiosity soar,
And I told her that I didn’t care

“Now what is it?”

She turned her head away
From me
To look out the window.
“Do you love her?”

The question surprised me more
Than the whole conversation
And stammer, did I –
I blushed and my speech was
So fumbled that it was
Unrecognizable.

This was the first time I’d seen
Her smile –
A wistful smile, longing,
At that –
And I took to realize that every
Second our talking grew more strange.

“I love –
loved
-someone too.
But I knew that to stay with him
Would bring us both only
Pain.
I couldn’t tell him this,
So he still comes to me –
He wants our love once again.
But I must pretend I don’t care.”

I had no idea what this
Had to do with you and I,
But I couldn’t say that, so
I continued to push.

“If you two love each other,
Which I think you do,
Then why?
Everyone gets hurt –
But it isn’t worth it in life
If you don’t live.”

“His hurt would be from me –
And I do not wish to let that
Happen.
You see what love does to you;
His life and feelings are
Exceedingly
More important than mine.
If you love her
More than you love yourself
You will let her go.
Otherwise,
She too will be hurt,
But hurt in a way that,
In turn,
Will destroy you as well.”

The bell rang,
Signaling the end of her speech.
I have yet to hear her speak again
And, except on those few times
Where she has looked me
In the eyes,
Warning me.
When I walked into that room,
I have asked myself,
‘Was it a dream?’

Through the class I thought
Of what she said
And began to dread the thought
That her speech could change
Our –
Well, that it could change what
We had.
When I saw you next,
And you were fine,
Again, of it, I rarely thought.

“Old Secret”

I think it the right time to tell you
My secret.

I had told you, when my beeper
Went off
That my brother was sick.
When interrupted by the paging
It was not his weakened heart,
Nor any other perilous disease.
In fact, he was in great health,
But you knew all this,
Didn’t you?
To write you this is folly,
But it is what I promised you to do.
And I keep my promises.

When I was late to come
And visit, it was to see my brother,
But for a different reason.
We went out to fight.

Heroes of the city were we,
Known plainly as the ‘vigilantes’
As we ran from every scene.
Our dark clothes and simple
Masks
Kept us blended,
Did they not?
And the city remained
More peaceful.

They called us the vigilantes,
They did,
But we had our own names.

My brother was The Wind,
Because of his
Swift, unpredictable,
Way of fighting.

I used to be the water.
It was because I was
Fluid, strong.

Then I met you.

And you gave me my
Inspiration.

In quiet, I called myself
Sparrow.

“Question”

I did not, often, talk to people,
You were the only person
I shared any amount of words with
Except on the strange
Occasions
When others approached me.

Even stranger was the familiarity
Of many of the questions
They asked me.

“Does she really fly?”

Knowing you for neigh of two years,
This would surprise me.
Of flying you had spoken little,
And when you did it had nothing to do with
You.

So I asked you,
One summer night before our senior year,
As we laid on the warm grass
In the park,
The same way I asked you any question,
Straightforwardly.
Well, as straightforward as I could ever be.

“Carrie, people have been speaking
To me
About things. They ask
The strangest questions.”

Knowingly you reply,
“You are going to ask me one
Of these questions, then,
No?”

I smiled in the dark,
Though you couldn’t see
My face.

“Hm…
They ask me…
Well they ask me if you can fly!”

You always had the funniest habit
Of never being fazed.
You take everything seriously
Enough
That nothing ever truly
Surprises you,
Even the most
Fanatical observations such as these.

“OF course.
How many people had to ask you
Before you came to me
Finally finding it a reasonable question?
It doesn’t matter, though,
Because you would like an answer,
Wouldn’t you?”

Both of us laid in silence
For a moment,
You seemed to be thinking quite seriously,
And I could see the weights and tables
In your imagination
That tried to discover
The consequences of every action
You might have taken.
Eventually you came to a truce
With yourself,
And you sat up and looked down
At me.

“I have but one condition
And you must adhere to it
To find the answer.
Before this time next year has passed,
You must tell ME your biggest secret
And tonight you shall learn mine.”

I nodded to this.
I hoped that by that time
The next year
I could give you any secret –
Anything you desired,
So when you held out your hand
We stood together.

“Close your eyes,”
You whispered, and moments afterward
I feel myself lifting
From the ground
And when you command it,
I open my eyes.
Beneath us are the trees
In the park
And the everything is laid out
Like tiny toy versions of the truth.

“How –“

“You mustn’t ask how.
Just believe it.”

And that is how we stayed,
Locked into each other’s arms
Witnessing the world as it was
Meant to be seen
Saying nothing,
Understanding everything.

Our eyes looked into
The other’s
And our faces came together,
Our lips together as they were
Meant to be.

Somehow the two of us,
Flying, flying,
Reminded me of Rebecca
And her partial prophesy.
For a moment,
As we stood on the air,
I wondered what would happen
To you.

I held you tighter then.
I would not let you go.

“Fly”

Our senior year went quickly,
Filled with tests, foolishness, wishful thinking.
I decided that year that I would,
To you, propose,
That summer, the night of
The deadline to tell you my secret
Which I would reveal, as well, then.

All year I planned the night
From the ring to the flowers
To what I would say.
All year until springtime.

Spring was the time of year when
You were the most happy.
You could become
Occupied
With watching a flower grow
For hours on end
And even though I thought
That it looked the same the whole time
You swore that it had grown
And you cheered it on.

In early march,
In our last year of high school,
We took off senior skip day.
We walked down and up
The streets,
Buying ice cream and hand-made jewelry,
Laughing and making friends
With the birds.

It was almost eleven
When my pager beeped,
And, had I been alone
With no one to hear me for miles,
I might have screamed.

“Carrie, I –“

“Go,” you told me,
“I’ll be around.”

I never really told you this
But you just understood things.
Without me saying
A word
You would know where
I was going and why.

You knew, that day,
That I was running off to go
Play vigilante,
Didn’t you?
Of course you did.

I ran as I always did,
And in a quick alley-stop
I pulled on my mask
And ran on.

It was a bank
Being robbed
But the man wasn’t just any robber.
His gun shot precisely and
Sucked lives out of bodies
As a whirlpool
Sinks ships from a sea.

His eyes were crazy
And his aim was accurate,
Deadly accurate.
The Wind was waiting for me
Behind a corner.
He knew this would be trouble.

We pounced.

Like cats on our prey
We attacked him, knocking his gun,
Kicking him over
On his side
Beating him till unconsciousness.

Well, to what we thought
Was unconsciousness.

We ran, as we always did
To keep away from the police
When they came which they
Were sure to do.
But a scream,
Which The Wind, ahead of me,
Did not hear,
Brought me to a stop.
The Wind blew away,
But I turned and ran back.

It was your scream,
I somehow knew,
Though I had never heard it,
And I feared.
I feared,
I feared,
I feared.

I am never afraid.

The man, clearly having regained
His lost consciousness
Was awake now
And with one sane target in mind.

You looked at me
With your green eyes so lovingly
Seeing me behind the mask
Which hid me
So poorly
And he shot.

Like the Sparrow that I called myself,
I pecked at him furiously
Without fail.
My blows went at him blindly.
Left,
Right,
Over,
Under,
Backwards…

I continued to attack
Him
Until he lay so
Desperately injured that
Only a miracle could save
His wretched mass.

Ran, did I, forgetting him, to you.

“No, no,” was all I could sob
Into your fallen figure.

You opened your eyes then
Feeling a tear or two dropping
Onto you,
Or maybe your ears awoke you
With the sound of crying,
But even though I thought
You couldn’t see through the mask
You did,
Didn’t you?
You didn’t even have to look.

“You’re crying,” you whispered,
Your green eyes full of love,
Your lips, which formed the words,
Full of love,
Your hands, gently, moving away
The mask
To wipe away the tears,
“Why are you crying?”

Weep.
That was all I could respond with.
Weep.

“Please, my Sparrow,” you
even knew that I called myself that,
Didn’t you?
And you knew it was for you.
“I need to fly away.
And I cannot fly
If I am sad.
And if you are sad then my flight is
…hopeless.”

“Don’t – go”
I whispered in return,
“Stay here.”
I drew breath quickly to stop the tears
For you
But it only grew more painful.

“Oh my, don’t say that,”
Your whispers grew fainter
As you spoke,
“You will find me again.”

“But you found me,”
was my protest.

You kissed me once more,
A taste of warm,
Thick blood,
Lingering on my lips
From your own,
“Then this time,
Your will have to look up
And see me first –
Or you may miss me.
Now help me to stand.”

I did so and her last words
To me
Were, “When I get back
Then you can tell me your
Biggest Secret.”

The light diminished
As you flew away, up into the sky
With a slight smile on your face
Even though your body was in terrible
Pain.
Wherever you were going,
You were going home.

“Love”

Ridiculous,
It feels, to talk
About love,
But it is the only thing
I can remember anymore.
Love that was not lost.
Love in your last green eyes;
The breath that escaped your last lips
As they fell into blue silence.

I wrote you this
To tell you my secret.
Not that I was the vigilante,
Though I thought that was it.
No, you already knew that,
Didn’t you?

Every day I watch
The sunrise and the sunset
Waiting to see you flying back
To me
And I’ve seen so much more
Of this beauty
Looking for yours.

I wonder when you will return
But the pages of my secret
Will be tossed into the blowing wind
To wherever you may be,
So if you have forgotten,
It will remind you,
To remember me.
Remember us.
And if you haven’t forgotten
Maybe it will be hope.
That someday I will find you.

I wrote to tell you my secret,
Didn’t I?
This is one you might not
Have known,
Even with all of your wisdom
And insight.
I feel like such a fool
For having never told you before.

I love you,
I love you,
I love you.

If only I had known
About love.