I promised myself I wouldn’t cry.
I knew it was coming. I’d known my whole life. This wasn’t something one could just avoid. It’s followed me since a time I can barely remember, and will follow me for the rest of my life. Eventually, it had to be talked about. She chose the most convenient time possible; we were alone. I sat on the edge of the bed and looked-for signs on her face. She seemed nervous, couldn’t meet my eyes.
For the longest time, my heart would stop anytime she called for me without being straightforward about the reason she needed to speak to me. This was not an exception. An overwhelming wave of nerves pulsed through my veins and washed over me. Every time I found myself in this position I always jumped to the worst-case scenario conclusion that she knew and she was going to say something. My deepest fear was finally climbing out from the depths of where I pushed it throughout my whole life and was ready to tear me apart. But that never turned out to be the case, so why would it be now? I could have relaxed yet, I didn’t.
She began to speak, and suddenly I was cold. Freezing, as I always get whenever my nerves get the better of me. She struggled to form her sentences, thinking of how she wanted to phrase certain statements or questions. She was obviously avoiding certain words. I didn’t know how to feel about that. On one hand, it benefitted me. I could use this to my advantage and spin everything to play in my favor, yet on the other hand, maybe being straightforward about this would end the constant fear I was forced to live in. Her eyes were red. Her gaze shifted between me and anywhere else. I could feel myself shaking as I listened to her muddle of words, statements, questions, accusations, support, insults.
I had been preparing for this conversation for as long as I could remember. I had promised myself I wouldn’t cry. I may be a lot of things, but weak certainly wasn’t one of them. Yet I felt my tears begin to swell up and I cursed myself for it. Crying now was not an option. As she continued to release her pent-up emotions, ideas, fears, I had to make a decision. Was I ready to face this head on or was hiding my only option yet again? At the moment, I made up my mind that I was ready. I was not going to cry. She was waiting for me to respond. The perfect opportunity was now in front of me, I could finally be free.
I lied. I lied and I lied even more. I had become quite good at it and was proud of it in a way that would make others sad. I lied and she challenged me. She insisted she wanted me to be honest but I knew she didn’t. If she really wanted honesty, she wouldn’t have avoided something she knew since forever. I lied until I left that room. She wiped her eyes and went back to watching her television show as I left the room and sat on my bed. I was back where I started once again. Looking back now, I can’t say I know if I made the right decision or not. Emotions tend to blur together. All I can truly say was that I felt cold for the rest of the night.
