Hi.
Yes, I’ve been marathoning the series Awkward. Yes, I love it. No, I have not been blogging. This is upsetting. But just like Jenna, I am choosing between two things. Okay, her two things are guys, but mine are too… kind of.
I don’t blog about actual feelings often because I feel weird about this school blog and the school people that could be reading it. Maybe I need an anonymous blog.
Okay, that was partially true. I’m afraid of blogging about feelings because someone somewhere–or everyone everywhere–has had every possible feeling that I could mention. Every time I have a sharing moment at a girly sleepover, I am told, “Oh, yeah. I went through a similar thing in high school.”
Am I the only person that had no life in high school? Romantically, I matured pretty late. I had very short relationships with people I wasn’t even into because I was an awkward teenager with no clue. See? Everyone’s been through this. It’s just, now that I’ve been off finding myself for a year, I am absolutely 100% sure that I am ready for an actual relationship. I know I could do it and do it well. And this is where the keeping my s**t straight comes in…
I don’t want a relationship. It scares me s**tless. What about my plans? (Again, insert “I went through this in high school” here. Some girl is bound to say it. Yeah, I sound insecure about it. It’s because I am.) I have my life planned until I’m 26. I’m the classic smart girl with a bright future and no time for a guy. Except I am a horrible, soppy romantic on the inside. Oh, wait, so is everyone. The problem is that there is never a solution for this sort of thing. Everyone goes through it but nobody can handle it. It’s a personal decision. Love finds us when we least expect it, or when we least want it, so maybe I should just let it go. It’s very probable that I will not encounter anyone I can’t live without dating in the next two years. I’ve gone 20 so far.
^weakness
For the first time in my life, I can handle the idea of committing to a real person. Not prince charming, not that hot jock in my calc class that I don’t actually want on a personal level, but a REAL person. An approachable, fun, smart guy. There’s more of them than we think, especially at college. I want one. But that would complicate things. I see myself as that girl who throws everything to the wind and gives in to love completely. Great. You know what that sounds like? Weakness. Complete surrender of power. The idea irks me so hard that I can’t even say it out loud half the time I think it.
I don’t want to fall in love in the next two years because losing control scares the s**t out of me. I need to plan and I need to have only manageable obstacles. I like fear because it motivates me, but this is different. My parents got married when they were about two years older than I am now. They’re in love and they’re adorable. I used to dream that I would be like them and have kids at 23. I want to get a master’s degree and go into the Peace Corps in Latin America or China. But my roomie is becoming a doctor and has a boyfriend that lives in Colombia, and THEY work. My roomie in Spain fell in love with a Basque man who FOLLOWED HER TO CANADA. Is the universe trying to tell me something? Or am I being warned to not even try?
Have I never been in love because I wasn’t ready to handle it, and is it going to be thrown at me now that I actually don’t want it? My heart and body want it, but my brain doesn’t.
I have a future, and I think that the right guy could f*** that s**t up. This is cynical and horrible coming from the cute little 5-year-old disney princess inside of my soul. But guess what! The emotions that I’m having about this hypothetical situation are crappy and confusing. I am that girl in the romantic comedy who is resistant to love and then finds it… People always say that it comes at the time when you least expect it, so is it better to expect it? If I don’t want it, it will happen; if I decide to expect it, maybe I can fight it off.
Let me finish this dramatic crapfest with some Stephen Colbert to wake you back up:
<3
Julia
