I always reserve the right to change my mind

When I was twelve years old I decided exactly how I would spend the rest of my life. First, I would finish up middle school and high school, then I would go to a CUNY college, get a degree in nursing, and continue on my way to becoming a hospice nurse. In my spare time, I would write novels and popular science books. I began to prepare myself for my future life by studying science, writing stories, and starting a blog about science. When I was in high school I decided it would be a good idea to get experience doing scientific research to help me understand science better when I studied nursing. I applied for the Science Research Mentoring Program (SRMP) at the American Museum of Natural History and ended up doing research on the diet of coyotes in New York City as part of that program. I loved doing research, and being part of the diet study was one of the best experiences in my life. Both of my mentors from SRMP repeatedly asked me if considered pursing a career in scientific research, but I said no, I wanted to be a nurse and a writer. My career plan I made when I was twelve was still stuck in my head.
It wasn’t until I started applying for colleges that I realized nursing is an extremely popular major, and hundreds of students applied to colleges saying they wanted to go into nursing. To make myself stand out to college admissions, I focused on my interests in scientific research, coyotes, urban ecology, and science communication. Once I got into college, I thought I would go back to being a nursing major and a writer like I planned all along.

 

Lichens in NJ

When I started describing myself as a future scientist I realized that I wasn’t interested in nursing anymore. I wanted to pursue a career in scientific research. All these ideas for research projects started popping into my head. I wanted to know, are lichens indicators of urban ecosystem health? What is the lichen diversity of New York City? Do lichens communicate with the trees they grow on?
The plan I made at age twelve was outdated, but that doesn’t mean it was a bad plan, or that it wasn’t “real” at some point. If I wasn’t interested in nursing I never would have done SRMP, and I may have never known I wanted to be a research scientist.
I resonated with the Youth in Passing Strange because he too went through several stages of thinking he knew what The Real, only to realize he hadn’t quite hit on it yet. The Youth used art to guide him to The Real, I use experience. My experiences in research guided me to my current interests. Right now, I want to study lichens and urban ecology for the rest of my life, but later maybe I’ll decide that I do want to become a novelist. Whenever my dad makes a decision he always says “I made this decision now, but I always reserve the right to change my mind.” I think this is a good saying to live by. Life is easier if you remain open to new possibilities. Who knows where future experiences will guide me.

The Destination Is The Journey

The journey to find the Real defines it and gives it the strength to manifest. It is not an end to be obtained, rather an atmosphere to be attained. I can’t imagine how boring life would be without the possibility to pursue this concept of self-realization. We leave such explosive creativity dormant by not awakening, yet if this process is forced upon us it becomes an oppressive entity in place of a freeing one. The Youth in Passing Strange came to associate himself with many instances of a Real, but they were not his personal Real. He did lack a physical guide to direct him, but no guide can show you the way. It must be an attraction and requirement in the moment, with no pre-determined end, for this is end, this way, this Real, is reached simply by mustering the desire to discover it within the process. Attempting to plan this undertaking can do more harm than good. Perhaps what some call fate, not to a fatalistic extent, is evident in the uncertainty of the journey and what one may uncover within oneself. Every person’s life directly impacts all in proximity on an atmospheric level, even without collision. Wishing to control even our individual role in this cycle is a fool’s errand, but that is not to say your insight is worthless. So next time it seems nothing is working out or all is for naught, step back, take a breath, and look again.

The Real isn’t the real real that I thought was real

“Sports are for meat-heads”

I have changed my belief or attitudes a couple of times since I was a kid. As a kid I used to think the world was a wonderful place (yes, I was quite dumb as a child), this was quickly disproven around the time I went to 5th grade. Other beliefs that I had changed were that I used to not like rap but started loving it in middle school because it really helped in dark times and also I used to think that sports were for big dumb meat-heads but that was probably just because I was extremely skinny and small as a kid (I love basketball now). I have been inside categories before as well. For example, I am half white and half middle eastern and I’m not sure which one I really am even though I usually am seen by everyone else as white. In high school I wasn’t really sure which clique I belonged to because I hung out with the dropouts and the more smart kids but I didn’t fully identify with either group. I’m still searching for “The Real” but I know I’m gonna figure it out eventually.