Category: Blog Postings

I have discarded so many plans, attitudes and beliefs because I always change my mind. I’ve been told I contradict myself to the point where I make no sense. I also never like to say I am right or gloat but in my head I certainly think I’m always right. Every time I get into an argument with my sister I start off yelling and then just change tactics and walk away or just become silent because I know that yelling doesn’t work for my sister. Or the time I wanted a job an thought it was a good idea and that I could manage going to school and working. Afterwards, I realized that it wasn’t such a good idea and then I quit my job. Which was the best decision I’ve ever made. I always live in the subjunctive mood. I can not live without thinking of the what if’s or what could’ve beens. So even though I think quitting was the best decision it was probably only the best decision for a couple of months. Maybe I should’ve kept my job. But do I need that extra stress on me?
I exist between being American and Hispanic. I can not be fully one or the other. I also lie between stupidity and intelligence, there have been some moments in life when my intelligence just seems to have escaped me. I can not think of any other categories I can fit between but I am sure there are multiple categories in which I fall under.

I use to hate cats. I would see them in pet stores and purposely avoid them while I admired the puppies. I hated their sharp claws and how they are so selfishly indifferent to people’s well-being. Dogs are so cuddly and incredibly happy all the time, so I thought “why the hell do people even own cats?” Well my perspective of cats completely changed when my grandmother’s cat gave birth to six kittens, and she needed to find homes for all of them. A ton of photos were sent to me of the kittens and I admit that they were adorable as hell, but that did not mean I wanted to own one of them. My family knew I was adamant about not owning a cat because we already had two dogs and did not need anymore animals in the house. So my grandma slowly found a few people that were trustworthy enough to give the kittens to except for two of them. My grandma did not have the time or the energy to take care of the kittens, so my mom came home one day with a basket and said we were going to babysit one of them—and by “we” she meant me. I thought that this was going to be a burden, but the complete opposite happened. I started making toys for the cat, feeding it, and had it sleep on my chest. He would nibble on my finger with his sharp teeth, and would scratch my hand a little with his claws. Two days of my summer were dedicated to chilling with this cat, and I loved every second of it. This is not a dramatic change in a belief compared to other people’s situations, but for someone who really thought that they would hate cats all of their life, I shocked myself by how quickly my attitude towards cats changed.

This may sound silly, but something that I believe has guided me towards The Real is my nonchalant attitude. A common problem I have seen with people in high school and now in college is that people are always so anxious and worried all the time. Whether it be because they have an exam or because they are afraid to be in a certain social situation, almost everyone seems to be uneasy. I have realized that people spend so much time worrying about whatever their problem is rather than facing it and getting it out of the way. I have certain goals in life which I hope guide me to The Real, but I know that a major part of my success will be because of my ability to remain calm and composed in the most stressful situations. Overall my point is, don’t take things so seriously!!!

Robert, I hope you’re happy that I had to read through that whole thing. Your whole description of the Kings vs Rangers game was really detailed and made me feel as though I saw the game live. It’s tough to lose someone, but you shouldn’t let it bring you down all the time. I had a similar experience in sports with the Cavaliers vs. Warriors Finals series of the 2015-2016 NBA season. I’m sure you remember this. As a cavs fan, seeing them go down 3-1 made me feel horrible. However, I did keep hope and didn’t jump on to the Golden State bandwagon. Sure enough, the cavs came back after THE BLOCK by Lebron and THE SHOT from uncle drew himself. It was one of the best things that I had ever witnessed and I loved seeing my friends the next time I saw them and their faces when they had to pay up. I’m not much of a hockey person but I understand what it means for your team to lose, especially the championship. I can relate to how you felt though, and I hope you find your real someday.

What is the real? How can you define what the real is? Is there even a real definition of this real? The answer is yes and no. Somewhere in between. Its yes because there is a definition of real in each of our minds which stays unique to each one of us because of our different perspectives. But no, because there isn’t a concrete definition placed down in a way that is common for all of us. In reality, we might not even know if the real exists because how do you the existence of a thing that can just be described in words. So, yes I don’t know what the real is. But maybe that is what the real has in mind for me. Perhaps for me, it could be finding the truth. The true knowledge of the whole entirety of this world. In other words, for me the real is trying to gain the truth behind everything.

Ever though about political issues and how people usually uncover dirty secrets or accuse each other of doing things, or when any serious issue happened in the world but you don’t know the truth behind it. Well that’s exactly what I am after. Sometimes is feels good to say in ignorance because our hearts fear that truth is ugly. But I’m not. If anything, I am curious. I want to know what happened. I want to know the truth before supporting anyone or making any decision. But maybe that seems like an impossible dream. It’s because once one of my teachers showed me a water bottle and asked me what I saw and I replied the company name. And then he told me that he saw the nutrition label from his side. And he went on further to explain how the truth is similar to the water bottle. No one knows the truth, because one can only see part of the truth at one time, and that truth gets fixated in their head. And it’s virtually impossible to view the bottle as a whole at the same time.

Think about it this way. Why do you think the way you do today. It’s mostly because of what your parents and teachers have taught you and what you have experienced during your upbringing. Now imagine being taught that good was bad and bad was good. Flipping the definitions. Maybe then, today you would think that bad is righteous. That’s how the truth is hidden from us. Not being able to see everything at the same time. It’s physically or mentally impossible to process the whole truth at the same time because you can’t know what’s happening in the world and comprehend it all the same time.

We might have had so many wars because of various things such as language, culture, boundaries, race and religion. But ever wonder why? A lot of it has to do with the fact that sometimes we don’t understand the true nature of the other being, so we harm them by giving it the name of self defense. And slowly over time when you tell your group about that other being, they believe what you told to be as the truth and this shapes their perspective of that other being. Hence, creating oppression which turns out into a war.

However, if I knew the truth, then maybe I could make a difference, then maybe I could stop a war by stoping my personal fight. So, finding the truth, is what my the real is for me.

For me, what brings me closer to the real is philosophy. If there’s one thing that philosophy has taught me then it is understanding the different sides of the coin before making a decision. It has taught me that there are always different perspectives to something. For example, when in a dispute with somebody it is critical to understand the other person’s thoughts and keeping an open mind about it. For example, let’s say there was a disease on this planet and in a few days everyone was going to die. However, you can save that from happening if you take the life of the innocent child in front of you. How would one decide what to do? Side A might say that sooner or later the child might die anyways so it’s best to save the world by taking his life, however side B might say that no one has the right to kill the child, as the child has the right to live and a life is still a life, may it be a million or just one single life. For me, just being able to see these perspectives is what’s important as now I know two parts of the truth instead of just one. I am getting closer to it, even though I am not their yet. Philosophy has open my mind and helped me think differently, which is bringing a bit more closer to knowing the truth.

The truth doesn’t stop just their. It is infinite. It is being able to see the different aspects of matters and then deciding for the most logical solution which will lead to the least consequences. For example, I work at a restaurant and meet many new people day after day. Some customers are annoying and some are pleasant. And when you meet the annoying ones, you just want to kick them out. But sometimes you just have to stay shut, not because you are scared of losing the job, but because you understand their mindset and then reflect on what’s the best thing to do. Like the other day one of the customers asked me where I was from, and when I said India, he told me that he was from India too. And right after he asked me to give him extra food for free just because we were from the same country. When I didn’t give him the extra food he began arguing with me by saying that we both were from same countries so I should help him out. In my mind all I wanted to do was kick him out and be like go to some Indian restaurant (this is isn’t because I am Indian so I can say this lol). But I stopped, thought about it twice and just switched tables. I felt like at that moment if I had showed him his way out then maybe he wouldn’t do that again. I was so sure that it was the right thing to do to make people like them understand that it’s not our background or culture or religion that bond us together, but it’s rather the mentality and the way we think that bond people together. However, I stopped because I saw from his point of view and then this is what I imagined. Imagine being in an entirely new country and then seeing faces that are familiar to where you are from. You would wish that the other person should help you out in anyway possible because you have the same background. So, it’s that mentality which exists where I come from. I know that a lot of people from India usually do that and there is no helping it. It’s that mentality that has been set in their mind. So, instead of starting a conflict, why not just end it by walking away, because I knew it wasn’t worth wasting my time over. And if I walked away, they would a new server who wasn’t Indian and hence he wouldn’t be able to ask for anything for free. It’s like knowing the truth isn’t the end. You need to be able to analyze and find the best possible solution in your mind. That’s what I am after!

As humans we are constantly at war with the different sides of ourselves. My Albanian side fights the American one, everyday I struggle to pronounce Albanian  words in the car ride with my dad and while speaking english in class and next semester while speaking Spanish. In an essay I once compared myself to a border, who seems to separate two things, but never fully belongs to either of them. As people it is very common that your personalities are different. I am someone who loves making people laugh and being as loud as I can, but I also love silence. As much as I love being social, I also love staying in my house and binging the office, parks and rec, or Brooklyn nine nine. The reason I don’t like talking about myself is because people assume that one thing you said is who you are, when people are more complex than that. People assume you’re not smart or you’re too smart just from one thing. Believe it or not there are people in this world who think I am quiet and shy. It takes time to get to know every side of a person, but just because two sides contradict themselves doesn’t mean that person isn’t being real.

We are the people we are when we are all alone at 3am, but we’re also who we are when we are surrounded by a crowd laughing. Both are the real you. People change, but one thing remains true and that is that every phase, every attitude, every laugh, and even every bad hair cut has been the real you.

I had never lived in absolutes due to my personal life experiences. Being exposed to different lifestyles both in Ukraine, California, Washington DC and New York. And I do not think that anyone can claim that they live in perfect absolutes. We are all unique in some way and can never truly fit any one-dimensional, oversimplified and most certainly a hypothetical category of people. Although, there is an element of truth to living in an absolute reality which you create for yourself.

What I had learned over the years with my experiences is that being yourself in the ever-changing world around you on the contrary creates your own absolute “Real”. Accepting the fact that we all have different journeys is the best way to approach the idea of that no one truly fits a set category. Each person is their own category. Going back and forth between the United States and Ukraine for long periods of times showed me that I will never truly fit the standard identity of neither culture. However, that is was had become the best part of living in these different places. Having the perspective and experiences of a new-comer to each new city showed me that I should not worry much about having some perspectives on life which differ from some the surrounding people. Combining all cultures showed me the attributes and flaws of each and they all taught the best that they could offer.

Being confident in my own beliefs is certainly important, however, being open to learning and potentially discarding a belief or plan I had before by learning something new is an essential part of becoming a well-rounded person. No one knows everything as an individual, but the collective knowledge base of a society certainly can help one get closer to that. There is always something new one can learn each day which can constantly be changing the fluid concept of “The Real” for each one of us.

The Real

I exist between categories rather than inside them when I think of race and who I am. I am an Arab-American. I was born in New York but I am of Jordanian descent. After recently taking a DNA test, I am 70% middle eastern and 30% Jordanian. I am in between these categories but I am not inside one because I still consider myself fully American for having been born here yet I take pride in my Arabic roots.

I have been called an introvert and an extrovert at different times by different people. I don’t even know what I am at this point because I am flexible and can be both when I want to be. This is another example of how I am in between two categories rather than inside them.

My main influence that has molded me and guided me towards The Real this far has to be something like my mom, my aunt, or my brother. Mainly I think it’s me and my view on them. I look at my mom and want to do her right by growing up to be successful and living life the way I want to live it. I look at my brother, Michael, who never lets any situation get him mad. He always smiles and thanks God for what he has. Finally, my aunt who is fun and care-free. She never lets anyone put her down and can start the party or get anyone smiling. These three people probably have the most influence on me finding the real. Family is my answer. My family has guided my step towards The Real this far.

I haven’t found The Real yet, but I think I am on my way.

Give a couple of examples where you exist between categories rather than inside them.

I think people are way too focused on labels.

“Are you introverted or Extroverted?”

I am not part of either one, I am neither super friendly nor super antisocial. I just like my own good balance of alone time and time with friends.

“Asian or American?”

I am Asian but I am also American. People don’t seem to get this one. They thing that I am either a dog-eating Chinese FOB or a completely whitewashed, american boy with no idea of my culture. I am both, and I truly enjoy being able to be a part of both communities.

“Compassionate or pragmatic (if that makes sense)?”

Some of my friends have labelled my as stern and cold hearted, without feelings. Others have said I am super friendly. But no one has said both. I am a person who likes to get things done, and if feelings are in the way of me accomplishing my task, I ignore them. However, there are situations where compassion is necessary, and that side of me will kick in. No one seems to notice that people can have more than one personality.

What people don’t seem to realize is that there are grey areas in life. Things that can never be defined – things with no set answers. They often think things either are or arent, and they can’t accept the fact that there may be some in-betweens.

The Youth chooses art to bring him closer–what do you think has guided your steps towards  The Real thus far?

I think a lot of things have guided me towards “The Real”. But like I said earlier, not everything is black and white. As we saw in the play, the boy kept trying to use other people’s “Reals” as his own and it never worked out. My “Real” will probably never be obtained. Maybe when I am an old man sitting on a rocking chair I will feel as if I have achieved my “Real”. But right now, I am not even sure what that is. Sure, I have world-views, I have beliefs, I have goals and desires, but I don’t think I have a “Real”. And even if I do, it probably changes right now. If I had to guess what my “Real” was and seee what contributed to it, It would probably be a lot of things. My Christian faith, my family, friends, my endless hours of pain spent cycling only to realize I will never be the fastest, my love for sports, my political views, plenty of things. But the one thing, or the everything that has guided me towards my “Real” is my life. My every waking moment, every breath I take, every mistake I make and every experience I have – these things I do every day are what contribute the most to my “Real”.

I still don’t think I will ever know what my true “Real” is. 

I don’t know.

What is real?

What is this “Real”?

Am I real?

I. Don’t. Know.

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“Real”

 

I can easily make this another thank you letter to how my friends, family, or Maroon 5, and how they have led me closer to the Real with each passing day. However, how can I know they have led me so close to something I have never even tasted? There is something wrong with that previous statement, as I can remember one moment, just one moment throughout my 18 years on this Earth, where I felt as though I could reach the Real. What I’ve realized is that in order to achieve that Real, you must be between some saddest moments in your life, as it makes that experience that much sweeter.

It is impossible to live in complete happiness or sadness because we instead live in between these categories based on the events that happen around us. It is hard to believe this statement when it feels like one bad thing happens after another. This was the story of my life in 2013 when my grandmother past away. That was the hardest death I ever had to face because my two grandfathers had died before I was born and my other grandmother died when I was young. Therefore, this was the biggest death that ever happened to me and it hurt me so bad. Now, imagine going through all this pain after the nicest and most caring person in the world just died, and add the first day of high school 2 weeks later. The hardest time in my life came along with the hardest transition of my life. It makes me cry just thinking and writing about it.

As the weeks roll by, the pain does seem to fade away at times, but comes back to haunt me at the worst times, from kids talking about their grandparents to even driving around her old neighborhood, bringing up old memories that I never appreciated enough and will never ever get back. But if I had to say one thing that helped me get through the hardest time in my life, it would be the New York Rangers. As you all know, I am a big sports fan, but during that time (to make matters worse), everybody was still laughing at the Jets, the Knicks were beginning their long and hard decline, and the Yankees weren’t doing anything special. But the Rangers were certainly doing something special, and I am forever grateful for what they have done for me in my hardest of times.

At this time, I wasn’t the biggest of hockey fans. I would keep up with the scores and watch some Ranger games, but I wouldn’t consider myself a big fan. Just a causal fan watching their team. However, as the Rangers continued their season, the showed unbelievable grit and determination to fight for every single game no matter the score and no matter the cost. You would see small Mats Zuccarello and his 5’7” body running into walls and speeding past every single person that was bigger than him (which was everybody) and then give a selfless pass at the end to get the assist, not the goal for himself. You would see Henrik Lundqvist making the most unbelievable saves that would make anybody’s head turn upside down. As the season grew, I definitely was a much bigger fan, but I wasn’t in love with the team at the time of the playoffs.

As the playoffs began, the Rangers were the 5th seed in the Eastern Conference, and for all you basketball fans, go back and think when the last time a 5th seed won a championship. Exactly. The Rangers were actually favored in their first series, but after that nobody gave them a chance. The had to go to a seven game series just to defeat the Flyers in the first round, and next up was the 2nd seed Pittsburgh Penguins, one of the best teams in hockey. I’m sorry this post is so long, but I’m just trying to get every detail so you can somehow feel what I went through.

This series was one of the most grueling series I could ever remember. The Rangers had to play 5 games in 7 days, when you should normally play 5 playoff games in about 10-12 days. Especially when these games were so important, the Rangers were exhausted, and that showed through the first 4 games of the series, as the Rangers lost 3 of them. The Rangers had never overcome a 3-1 deficit in their whole history, and they had been around for almost 90 years at the time of this series. Down to one of the best teams in hockey, exhausted, and having to overcome a deficit never done before turned out to be the least of the Rangers worries at the time. Soon after Game 4’s completion, Martin St. Louis, the shortest tenured Ranger, had found out that his mother had just died. Flashbacks suddenly came back to me of my grandmother, and my heart sunk in such a depressive state as I can only imagine what he was going through. His mother’s death was so unexpected and happened at the worst time in terms of hockey and life. Nonetheless, he played in Game 5, a game most experts said would be the Rangers last of the season.

The Rangers came in with such a fury never seemed before that it even took me by surprise. The Rangers won Game 5 5-1, as St. Louis continued to play as he mourned his mother’s death. Now this is my favorite part, so if you’re going to read any part of this post, read this part. Soon after Game 5, the Rangers absolutely had to return home to New York for Game 6 to practice and rest their already exhausted bodies. But Martin St. Louis had to stay back alone and attend his mother’s funeral. As St. Louis went to the funeral, the Rangers took the team bus back to New York. However, on that very day, SportsCenter cut to the funeral. As you see a crowded parking lot, a huge bus suddenly appears from out of nowhere. And, as tears began to fly off my eyes, one by one, a Ranger came off the bus in a beautiful suit ready to console their teammate and new friend. It was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. A team that had to be in New York to get ready for a playoff game instead went to console a teammate that they just recently traded for and barely knew as a person, just as someone who just enters high school barely knows anybody n the first day of school.

I promise I’m getting to the end of the story soon. Now, as Game 6 started, Martin St. Louis got a rebound and quickly scored the first goal in the game. One of the reasons as to why I love hockey so much (something that I first began to love at that point) is that the players always high five and hug each other after a team goal. But there was something special about this moment when St. Louis scored and all his teammates quickly consoled him in the corner of the rink. Did I forget to mention St. Louis scored the first goal on Mother’s Day? If you gave this script to a Hollywood producer, he would throw it away for being too cheesy and impossible to happen.

The Rangers went on to win that series in 7 games, and then came the Montreal Canadiens, a team who had one of the best goaltenders in hockey. But they forgot about our goaltender, Henrik Lundqvist, who is without a doubt the best goaltender in hockey. In Game 4, with the Rangers up 2-1 in the series and in a pivotal overtime game, the puck somehow found its way to, somehow, you guessed it, Martin St. Louis, who quickly scored the overtime goal. Henrik Lundqvist went on to make the most memorable save in my lifetime in Game 6 to lead the Rangers to the first Stanley Cup Final in my lifetime. As the Rangers hugged each other to death, I could only think about how happy I was, happy for one of the first times in a long time, and the first time I could remember my grandmother with a smile on my face. I could taste the Real, it was right there in front of me. If you truly worked hard enough you could accomplish anything no matter what other people believed at first. The haters will soon understand and show their love to you too, as hockey soon took over this town as it deserved. This team finally got the recognition it deserved after so many years of playing second fiddle to every other sport. The Rangers, total underdogs, got on the cover of Sports Illustrated as the underdog that everybody has come to love. It was finally happening. After one of the hardest times in my life, my luck was finally turning around and a team built around nothing but heart was going to finally get what they deserved: a Stanley Cup title.

As the first two games went by, the Rangers lost in overtime and double overtime, respectively, and were quickly down 2-0 in the series. They then lost Game 3 of the series and had to win every single game from then on in order to win a Stanley Cup. It was nearly impossible, but after reading all this, we know nothing is impossible when it came to these Rangers. But, as these 3 games went by, there was a different vibe. The Rangers weren’t getting any lucky bounces and were getting very unlucky for a team that was putting their hearts and souls into every game. Skipping to Game 5 of the series, the Rangers were once again in double overtime with the Kings. Whoever scored next would win, and if the Kings scored, they would be champions. Henrik Lundqvist made 48 saves that game when a goalie should normally only face 30, but the 51st shot of the game was the last he faced that season, as the Kings scored off a rebound from a Lundqvist save and shot it into an open net to win the Stanley Cup.

As I sat there in silence watching each member of the Kings storm the rink in celebration, all I could do was cry. As Henrik Lundqvist, my favorite player and the man most deserving of a Stanley Cup, lay flat on the ground in misery, I cried. As the Kings lifted the Stanley Cup up each time, I cried. And as I look over to my dad, who was watching every game with me every step of the way, he was also crying. I had only seen him cry one other time in my life.

Therefore, through that small taste I had of the Real, I also had some of the worst moments of my life. I hope that I will one day achieve the Real, but I know I will never get that experience again, and maybe that is what I truly wanted all along. I guess we’ll never know.

One night during a wedding ceremony, I stumbled upon a henna artist who was decorating the bride’s hands with incredibly mesmerizing designs of henna. After the henna paste had dried and crumbled off, the stunning crimson red stain of the design left me with an overwhelming feeling of love and appreciation for the body art. It was that night I decided that I wanted to be a henna artist as well, and I began to transform something I found beautiful into a craft that enabled me to pursue my artistic potential. However, I wasn’t very good at first. I became so obsessed with perfection that I would wash off an entire hand of henna because of one tiny mistake. This obsession with perfection drained my passion and turned this hobby I so badly wanted to enjoy into a chore. I knew I had to give up this perfectionist attitude of mine if I wanted to stay sane. I still continued to practice henna until my lines became straighter, my curves became smoother and my hands became steadier. However, my designs were never perfect. I still made mistakes. But it was when I incorporated those mistakes into the design and made them a part of the art that I felt like a skilled artist. We so often let our mistakes blind us more seeing a solution. We overlook all of our accomplishment because of one failure. Henna became more than just a passion, it taught me to utilize my mistakes and turn them into opportunities to create something even better. Henna guided me to my real, a real that is full of beautiful mistakes.